WASHINGTON – In what appears to be yet another directional shift in the planned spending of the 700 billion dollar bailout, Ben Bernanke and Henry Paulson announced today that it is their intention to purchase the entire government and administration copies of the semi-popular PC game “SimCity”.
“After playing the game for the past twelve hours, we have concluded that there is no better way to spend the bailout” said Bernanke during a congressional hearing on Friday. “The whole situation is pretty much fucked. At least if we get SimCity out to our Senators, Governors, Administration and pretty much everyone else, we won’t fuck up as much next time” Bernanke added.
Representatives from all facets of government were immediately critical of the plan but were quickly assured by Paulson of the merits of the SimCity Plan. “The game teaches you real life shit. Like where to build your houses and how to handle disasters and stuff” he said with supreme confidence. “Or like when you call the army to help you because the alien-robot is blowing up your industrial zones” added Bernanke before turning to Paulson and giving him a high-five.
The entire hearing lasted only several hours with most of Congress admitting that they had absolutely no idea how to handle most of the situations SimCity puts its players in. Congress quickly conceded that SimCity could in fact teach them how to govern the United States with the competence of middle-school students.
As the hearing drew to a close Bernanke launched in a theatrical explanation as to why SimCity is “So wicked awesome” explaining that “You get to build stuff all over and there’s like Power Plants and Schools and stuff but you gotta’ keep the people happy.”
Bernanke’s enthusiasm was met by Paulson, who rounded out the hearing by giving a heartfelt speech detailing the many merits of how SimCity teaches government officials about real life situations like running a city and assuring congress that if they allowed him to buy it he would do chores around the country to pay them back.
Paulson and Bernanke both made it a point to comment that while the game was fun and educational, the fictional advisors that you encounter in the game who give you sound financial, logistics and social advice in relation to your city are, “Total D-Bags” and “We ignore them and just do whatever the fuck we want, like spending all of the city’s money on a new Mayor’s House.”
With Congress onboard it appears that this new direction for the bailout will certainly be gaining speed in the next week and we could see eager politicians playing SimCity as soon as next month.