DEKALB COUNTY, GA — The increased usage by CNBC of the Octobox – a screen shot of eight heads talking at once – has prompted the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention (motto: “This stuff must be dangerous or we wouldn’t be located in DeKalb County, Georgia”) to issue a warning advising CNBC viewers to limit their exposure to Octoboxes to ten seconds or less per day. “We’ve been seeing a lot of CNBC viewers suffering epileptic-like seizures who were neither epileptic nor serious stock market players,” said Dr. K.L. Dair of the CDC. “We believe the seizures are caused by overexposure to Octoboxes, kind of like those Japanese kids who watch too much anime.”
CNBC defends its usage of Octoboxes. “It’s the only way to out-fair-and-balance Fox News,” said CNBC spokesperson Pei Coque. “With the Octobox, we can argue every side of an issue: left, right, moderate, undecided, ignorant, cave-dweller, foreigner and random hot blonde.”
Dr. K.L. Dair describes one Octobox sufferer brought to the CDC. “The poor man had just watched eight different people simultaneously attempt to explain the Treasury Department’s bailout program. His eyes were crossed in the rare up-down position and he had swallowed his tongue, his fist and a copy of the Wall Street Journal.” The CDC has officially named this condition “Octoboxyosbourne.”
Fortunately for Octoboxyosbourne sufferers, help is on the way. Pfizer (motto: “One of the side effects is ignoring the side effects”) has rushed into development a drug aimed at reducing the effects of the seizures and possibly even preventing them. Called OctoboxyContin, the hallucinogenic drug is highly addictive and is currently being tested at the firm’s Limbaugh Laboratories. While not scheduled to be released until 2009, commercials for OctoboxyContin are already being run on CNBC, NBC and MTV.
“The drug works great, but it may be too little too late,” warns the CDC’s Dr. Dair. “CNBC’s election night coverage team is secretly testing a Decabox.”