Fed Refuses To Bail Out Emmy Awards

HOLLYWOOD, CA — In spite of drawing the lowest ratings in almost 20 years for the 60th anniversary broadcast of the gala ceremony, the Treasury Department has refused a request by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences to bail out the Emmy Awards. “I enjoyed some of the show,” said Treasury Secretary Henry “It’s Hank – not Tank” Paulson. “It was nice to see Dick Nixon again in one of the funniest Laugh-In bits of all time. And that Heidi Klum reminds me of Sarah Palin on stilts – not that I’ve actually seen Sarah Palin on stilts.”

However, other segments of the telecast seemed to irritate Paulson. “Didn’t Candice Bergen play Murphy Brown? Who needs her? I wish I could hire Tommy Smothers just so I could fire his sorry yo-yo flinging ass! No wonder his mother liked Dickie best,” said the visibly red-faced Treasury Secretary. “And Alec Baldwin looks too much like Al Gore on a “the world’s coming to an end so I have to eat all the donuts I can” binge.”

When the head of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences told Paulson that the Emmy Award were too big to fail, Paulson asked, “Did you see Howie Mandel? After that sorry performance, I wouldn’t even bail out the banker on “Deal or No Deal.””

Members of the Academy immediately accused Paulson of having a bias against Hollywood. “Not true,” said Paulson. “I’m a big fan of “Mad Men.” Those were the days — booze, cigarettes, tight skirts and loose expense accounts. I’d kick another $100 billion into the bailout of we could bring those good old days back.” Paulson also pointed out that he’s a fan of other awards shows. “I love the Golden Globes,” he admitted. In fact, my favorite golden globes are the ones on Eva Longoria. Ba-da-bing! If the Emmy hosts had that kind of comedy, I’d bail them out in a Hollywood minute. Instead, I’m like the Soup Nazi on “Seinfeld.” No soup for you, Emmy Awards! Next!”