DALLAS, TX – While waiting for the Tribune Company and Major League Baseball to make up their minds about letting him buy the Chicago Cubs, Dallas Mavericks’ billionaire owner Mark Cuban decided to step out of the sports world for a minute and make an offer to buy Freddie Mac. Even though the Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation is not officially up for sale, that has never stopped Cuban before. After being eliminated from “Dancing With The Stars” in 2007, Cuban tried to buy the program and change the rules to give extra points to dancers who had hip replacements or were worth more than the rest of the contestants combined.
At his press conference, Cuban refused to divulge the amount of his offer for Freddie Mac, but he was more than happy to expound on what its problems are and what he plans to do with it. “The problem is the f***ing referees,” said Cuban. “The SEC is blind, the Federal Reserve is deaf and the Treasury Department is brain-dead.” After making sure the government couldn’t fine him for saying that, he continued. “What I want to do is start a National Financial Institution League. Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae, Citigroup, Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan Chase, Merrill Lynch, Morgan Stanley and Lehman Brothers would compete against each other every Sunday for a billion dollars worth of mortgages. At the end of the season, the two on top play in the BCS Game – that’s the Bank Championship Series. There’ll be rings and trophies and cheerleaders and bobble-head dolls and all that cool stuff.”
When asked who would referee the banking games, Cuban got hot, as he is known to do. “I hate f***ing refs. There won’t be any refs in the NFIL. All arguments will be settled by which owner can yell the loudest. And you get extra points for having a hip replacement.” Cuban then limped off the stage while screaming at the top of his lungs: “AND EVERYBODY HAS TO DANCE THE WALTZ!”
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson had no comment on Mark Cuban’s offer to buy Freddie Mac other than to say, “Brain dead? I’ve had TWO hip replacements and can still kick Cuban’s sorry a** up-and-down any tango dance floor he wants to meet on.”