New York, NY – Wall Street, the center of world commerce in lower Manhattan, has checked itself into rehab after President Bush revealed that the nation’s current economic problems were caused by the street’s drinking problem. In a prepared statement sent from the rehab center, a contrite Wall Street said, “When the President of the United States says you have a problem, you’d better do something about it quickly. Look what happened to Iraq.”
Wall Street is reported to be at the City Ford Center, a rehabilitation facility for streets, cities, nations and other public institutions with addictions. Wall Street checked in under an assumed name, believed to be “Broadway,” but decided to reveal its true identity after Wal-Mart threatened to sue over the confusion caused every time it said, “Hi, my name is Wall and I’m an alcoholic.”
City Ford Center has treated hundreds of public and private institutions, not always successfully. Las Vegas has been there many times for alcohol, drugs, sex and gambling addictions. While not illegal, Seattle checked in once in an attempt to break its caffeine addiction. Bourbon Street checks in like clockwork after every Mardi Gras. One success story is Haight-Ashbury, which has stayed clean of its psychedelics problem for many years. City Ford counselors also participate in interventions, such as one held recently in a failed attempt to get Houston to admit it has a problem with ethyl alcohol.
Wall Street will remain at City Ford for thirty days. The bill is completely covered by Wall Street’s insurance company, Blue Town/Blue Street. After checking out, Wall Street will attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, where it is expected to have difficulty with finding a higher power greater than itself.