SUBURBIA – In a desperate attempt to figure out why the United States economy is in such rough shape, economists and analysts have turned to an unlikely source, movies. Long have movies been the boon of the lazy American lifestyle, yet it was assumed that nothing of value could be gained from them. Instead, qualified and important people were under the impression that movies were merely a way to distract people from their problems. All bets are off.
In a news conference today it was explained that Scientists recently revealed that Oil is produced from “Dinosaurs”. Dead ones. This news sent a shockwave through the highest tiers of government and shook the foundation by which our countries greatest movers and thinkers function.
“Honestly, I had no idea! I always thought Dinosaurs were something out of Harry Potter!” says Senior Commodity Analyst, Richard Brickenstone.
After this alarming press conference, all the attending experts were invited back to the private home of alleged Dinosaur Expert, Steven Spielberg for a viewing of the documentary “Jurassic Park”. The documentary enlightened American scientists and experts to a world previously unimagined.
“We’ve been fighting the A-rabs and all along it’s been giant lizards holding out on us!” explained tactics manager Wesley McRather.
By Mid-Thursday the President had attempted to contact the Dinosaur Emperor who is presumed to be both Muslim, and a threat to the American way of life, to request that more of his people die so that they may become additional oil for the United States. Despite these attempts, the Dinosaur Emperor has not responded.
“The Dinosaurs have refused our offer for diplomacy. Based on our intelligence gathered from Dinosaur experts and the Jurassic Park field documentary trilogy, we can assume that the Dinosaur threat is very real. We have confirmed that it is within their power to topple cars, eat human beings and possibly spit acid.” said Whitehouse spokesman Randy Ubacker in a statement issued late Thursday.
This enthusiastic opposition to the Dinosaur way of life was not shared by the U.N who questioned the United States’ sources on this matter. The President quickly assured them that while most of the countries present would not receive the Jurassic Park documentaries in their theaters for another 10 years, all of the information was valid.
The President also expressed disdain that the Dinosaur Emperor himself did not attend the U.N meeting in person. When he made this disappointment apparent, the chief diplomatic officer from France spoke up as saying, “You do realize that there are no more Dinosaurs, yes?”
The President quickly called him a liar and explained that his country would be the first destroyed when the Dinosaurs use their nuclear programs to generate prehistoric warheads.
In a final statement issued shortly after the U.N meeting Wesley McRather explained: “We’re entirely confident that the Dinosaurs are now the greatest threat to the United States. We will send every man, woman and child at them until they are defeated. It is presumed that they can destroy houses also! Which could very well explain the housing crisis in the U.S. Our experts are currently referencing this theory with the movie “The Land Before Time” and will issue a report soon.”
[…] Government Blames Dinosaurs for Economic Hardship By Ryan SUBURBIA – In a desperate attempt to figure out why the United States economy is in such rough shape, economists and analysts have turned to an unlikely source, movies. Long have movies been the boon of the lazy American lifestyle, … Capitalist Banter – http://capitalistbanter.com/ […]