WASHINGTON, DC – When he’s not busy lowering interest rates, bailing out financial institutions or making ceramic piggy banks with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is overseeing the young men who would like to date his daughter, Anna. Like all dads, Ben is concerned about what might happen on these dates, which is why he came up with his 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter. The rules are so popular among his Washington colleagues with daughters, Bernanke is considering developing them into a sitcom pilot for the Fox Business Channel.
When young Republican men enter the foyer of the Bernanke home, they come face-to-face with two stone tablets containing the following Bernanke rules:
1. If you pull in my driveway in anything but a limo, it better be a private jet.
2. You may not touch my daughter in front of me unless it’s to hand her a copy of your financial statement.
3. You must wear a dark suit at all times, even to the beach. You can only take it off to save a drowning banker.
4. When it comes to sex, think of my daughter as a Swiss bank and you as someone who shops at the grocery store with coupons.
5. If you think the late fees on your American Express Centurion Card are atrocious, wait until you see the fee for bringing my daughter home late.
6. If my daughter comes home crying, it better be because you took her to a sad movie about Democrats taking over Congress.
7. While waiting for my daughter to make her grand entrance, don’t fidget or bother me with questions. Nothing drops faster than my interest rate in you.
8. You may only take my daughter to noisy crowded public places where there are no places to have sex. One of my favorite spots to take her mother was the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.