REDMOND, WA — Microsoft (motto: “Quit Complaining Or We’ll Bring Back DOS”) has unveiled its newest operating system, Windows 7, to replace Windows Vista, which itself is having a hard time replacing its predecessor, Windows XP. “We’re not admitting Vista has problems,” said Microsoft spokesperson Dawn Lode. “We just want to make up to our loyal users for those strange Seinfeld commercials.”
While Vista has enough serious problems that many XP users have refused to upgrade and new PC customers have paid a premium to stick with XP, there are a number of reasons you should consider staying with Vista.
1. Being one of the only Vista users makes you a “maverick.” It’s a lot easier than trying to stop Congressional earmarks.
2. With Vista gone, Apple will stop running the commercials with the Mac guy making fun of the PC guy. Sure, it picks on your OS, but is there anything funnier on TV?
3. You use the long start-up time to run five miles every morning. Don’t let your health suffer in the name of new technology.
4. You’re saving trees because Vista still doesn’t have a driver for your old printer. Don’t you have enough pictures of Pamela Anderson anyway?
5. The “User Access Control” constantly asking you if you really want to perform a task reminds you to call your mother. Did you call her today?
6. Windows Defender makes you feel safe. And you don’t believe the rumor that it lets Bill Gates see you sitting at your PC in your underwear.
7. Excruciatingly slow response time gives you time to consider your options before making tough decisions. Like whether you want to stick with Times New Roman or switch to Minya Nouvelle.
8. You like buying CDs. Who needs a credit card bill with 10 pages of 99 cent charges to iTunes?
9. You just painted your office walls Microsoft Blue. It doesn’t stop the blue screens but it keeps them from hurting your eyes.
10. You’re John Hodgman, the PC guy, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman gets all the movie roles for geeks. Not to mention Paul Giamatti.