If you’re like me (and if you are, let me just warn you ahead of time that therapy doesn’t help), you read the story about John Thain (former Merrill Lynch CEO who sold the company to Bank of America for $50 billion and a Senate seat to be named later) spending $35,000 on a toilet for his office and you thought, “Are you kidding me? Where can I get one of those?”
This top-of-the line toilet is one of a kind and its purchase was probably not covered by any home or contents insurance premium. Why Mr. Thain purchased it might be mind-boggling and absurd to many. But it’s definite that he had something in mind when he bought this fancy bathroom fixture. A toilet that costs $35,000 may seem like an extravagance, but anyone trying to sell real estate in this market knows that the commode is the one part of an office or dwelling that not only holds its value, it can actually increase the total selling price, especially if the potential buyer “makes a big deposit” while looking and doesn’t have to flush twice, jiggle the handle or attempt to improvise a plunger out of a toothbrush and a Dixie cup.
So, what exactly did John Thain get for his $35,000? Here’s a list of features on his classy commode that will make any plumber crack a smile wider than the smile cracking from his coveralls:
Direct input pipeline to a fresh mountain spring.
Direct output pipeline to a secret sanitation plant that searches for jewelry accidentally dropped in.
Special fast flush option for pharmaceutical emergencies.
Antique 1400-year-old porcelain bowl from the Dung Dynasty.
Bidet for visits from trophy girlfriend.
Disappearing bidet for visits from wife.
Bark-operated seat lifter so pet dog can drink.
Purr-operated lid-lowering option for when wife’s cat tries to use it.
Score-keeping display for game of aiming stream at target on bottom of bowl.
Rolls of paper made from recycled subprime mortgages.
Verified autograph and inspection sticker from Joe the Plumber.