Has the $700 billion fiscal bailout trickled down to your balloon-mortgaged soon-to-be-foreclosed-and-not-that-nice-looking-anyway house? While checking the really fine print with our Hubble magnifying glass, we found a provision in the bailout for the little financially-challenged people like you based on the smallest unit of bailout measurements — the bucket.
Step One – Buy a bucket.
We’re not talking one of those cute little numbers your kids take to the beach. (Who are we kidding? There aren’t going to be any more beach vacations.) Get yourself an all-American ten gallon industrial pail.
Step Two – Take the bucket to your bank.
We know you don’t have much in that measly little savings account where you deposit those birthday checks from Grandma like she tells you to, but your need isn’t amount — it’s volume. Fill the bucket with as many pennies as your out-of-shape-because-you-can’t-afford-the-gym-anymore body can carry.
Step Three – Lug the bucket to your creditors.
The pitiful sight of you and your bucket full of pennies should be enough for most creditors to either cancel your debt or at least postpone it until you can come back with a bucket full of quarters. Besides, nobody wants pennies anymore anyway, except …
Step Four – Recycle the pennies.
While distracted by the bailout, the Treasury Department failed to notice that the price of the copper used to make pennies is more than the measly value of the coins themselves (sorry, Abe). Lug you bucket to the nearest copper recycler where you’ll promptly double your money and remove that aching pain in your shoulder.
Step Five – Celebrate and make even more money.
Use your rational exuberance to make even more money with your bailout bucket. Flip it over and play a happy song about the joys of capitalism (“I Want Money” is a good one). Put the cash from the recycler in a cup in front of you and watch your money grow as guilt-ridden investment bankers drop in a few coins from their own $700 billion bailout. See, trickle-down is working!
With just a bucket and some determination, you’ll come through this thing just fine!