TAMPA, FL – Circuit City (motto: “We’ve Still Got Plenty of VHS Players and AM Radios”) has purchased the last 30 seconds of commercial time available during Sunday’s Super Bowl telecast in spite of the fact that the company is going out of business and liquidating the merchandise in its stores. “It’s our way of saying “screw you” to all of those people watching the game on big screen TVs they bought at Best Buy and Wal-Mart,” said Circuit City spokesperson Harry “Back” Ordor.
Rather than attempting to convince viewers to stop by its stores for heavily-discounted merchandise at its going-out-of-business sales, Circuit City will exact its revenge on fair-weather customers by showing videos of dogs eating baby kittens and cats eating baby puppies that will look even more disgusting in HD on big screen TVs. The commercial’s soundtrack will include the sounds of fingernails on blackboards, vomiting and selections from Jessica Simpson’s latest CD. “And to keep people from running to the bathroom during the commercial, we’re interspersing the kitten and puppy feast with nude photos of Drew Barrymore and Brad Pitt,” sneered Ordor.
NBC is already receiving calls protesting the Circuit City commercial, but the network has no plans to pull it or run a warning before it airs. “Are you nuts?” screamed NBC Director of Super Bowl Commercials and Cleaning Product Infomercials Jack “Amazing” Wyper. “This will be the biggest thing since what’s-her-name’s nipple. Both teams have requested TVs on the bench so they can watch it too. President Obama even gave me his super-secret Blackberry number for a ten-second heads-up.”
NBC refuses to reveal when exactly the Circuit City commercial will be run because no company wants their commercial to air immediately after it. “I figure there’s gonna be a lot of crying, so I may run a Kleenex ad,” said Ordor. “On the other hand, Circuit City offered me a truckload of car stereos to give the slot to Best Buy.”