Capitalist Banter

Microsoft Severance Package

January 22, 2009

REDMOND, WA – Microsoft Corp.(motto: “Just Forget Vista, OK?”), announced it is laying off 5,000 employees in the next year and a half, the first job cutback in the company’s history. “We’re going through an economic blue screen,” said Microsoft spokesperson Paige Falt. “We expect this corporate defrag to free up space and give our stock a reboot.”

Most of the employees being laid off are fairly new to the company, so their stock options are worth about as much as old DOS manuals. To help them through this tough time and keep them from storming the Redmond headquarters with pitchforks, sickles and sharpened CDs, Microsoft agreed to give each departing employee the following severance package:

  • One autographed picture of Bill Gates for each month of service.
  • As many Zunes as one can carry.
  • A copy of ‘Economic Fallout 3’ for the Xbox 360.
  • Map of San Jose.
  • Jerry Seinfeld dartboard.
  • Never-been-opened pack of Bill Gates’ combs.
  • Hourly no-benefits contract to come back and clear out copier jams.
  • Cassette of the Rolling Stones’ doing “Start Me Up.”
  • Coupon for free tour of MSNBC.
  • One minute to grab as much as possible in the company cafeteria.

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