While it’s far easier and much more satisfying to look back at the previous year and say “I told you so,” I will once again take the “Shut Up And Listen To What I’m Telling You” approach and make my Predictions for 2009, with the hope that enough other things will happen to make you forget my erroneous prognostications around this time next year.
Chrysler, Ford and Mitsubishi will merge, then consider an offer to move to Buenos Aires. Auto workers will beg them to “Don’t CryForMi, Argentina.”
Bernie Madoff will be pardoned on President Bush’s last day in office. In return, he’ll become the Republican Party’s chief fund raiser.
A supercomputer at MIT will discover the world’s largest prime number. Coincidentally, it will also be the new amount needed to solve the subprime mortgage crisis.
Lehman Brothers will make a comeback with the Doobie Brothers and release a song about the cause of its demise called “What The Fools Believed.”
The Securities and Exchange Commission will be replaced by a Magic 8-Ball. Fearing the 8-Ball, hundreds of firms will fire their accountants and switch to TurboTax.
Steve Jobs will fake his own death, then fake his own resurrection and move Apple to the top of the Fortune 500.
The price of oil will reach a buck-a-barrel, forcing OPEC to change its name to OCRAP.
The print version of The New York Times will be replaced by 100 swamis sending the news to customers via telepathy. USA Today will accomplish the same thing with one Las Vegas mind reader.
Twitter will be replaced by T, which limits messages to two characters. The most common message will be FU.
Jay Leno will expand his new show to 3 hours, with the first two hours devoted to selling jewelry and amazing time-saving kitchen appliances.
China will finally stop using lead in its products exported to the U.S. Unfortunately, it will replace the lead with uranium.
The book publishing industry will file for Chapters 1 through 11.
Detroit will secede to Canada, get free health care and flood the U.S. with fuel-efficient affordable Canadian cars.
Warren Buffet will cash out of Berkshire Hathaway and return to his home planet.
Housing prices will rebound when Oprah expands her book club to include real estate listings.