FABER FALLS, PA — With the announcement that Daniel S. Laikin, CEO of National Lampoon, had been charged with conspiracy and securities fraud in an attempt to artificially raise the value of the company’s stock, the Delta Tau Chi fraternity at Faber College was forced to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. “We invested all of our frat dues in National Lampoon stock,” said fraternity president Vernon Edgar “VE-Day” Day. “If Delta House actually had any toilet paper, it would be worth more than our stock certificates. Hey, that gives me an idea.”
Delta Tau Chi is the fraternity at Faber College made famous by the movie “Animal House,” which launched National Lampoon into the motion picture business. The current fraternity members are all descendants (“legacies”) of the original Delta members portrayed in the movie. “Except we’re smarter and better looking. And smarter. Did I mention smarter?” said Bluto “John” Blutarsky, the frat’s sergeant-at-arms who was guarding a beer keg with an aluminum bat. “It’s our only asset,” explained Blutarsky. “The bat, not the keg. We stole the keg” “You said ‘asset’ … heh-heh-heh,” said Kent “Flounder” Dorfman II, who had just arrived to pledge the fraternity.
Dean Hed “Dean” Wormer was thrilled to hear the news, which meant he might finally rid the school of the lowlife fraternity. “Don’t tell those business school flunkies a fraternity isn’t a corporation so it can’t file Chapter 11,” he pleaded. “None of them ever made it past the first chapter of their books anyway.” “And don’t let them sell that keg on eBay,” said the dean’s wife Wanda “The Squirmer” Wormer. “There might be some beer left in it.”
Rick “Beaver” Stratton, was already developing a plan to save the fraternity. “Road trip movie!” he yelled out the window after vomiting. “Call Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid before they get hired by “Dancing With The Stars.” I’ll bet they’ll work for beer. Don’t let The Squirmer take that keg!”