WASHINGTON, DC — The Food and Drug Administration (motto: “Just because your mom gives it to you, that doesn’t mean it’s healthy”) in cooperation with the Treasury Department (motto: “Ask Santa for money this year”) has issued a recall of all copies of the board game “The Game of Life.” “It’s causing widespread disillusionment, depression and schizophrenia,” said FDA spokesperson Gail Corn. “We can’t risk a shortage of anti-depressants with the holiday season upon us.” Buck Owings, spokesperson for the Treasury Department, agreed. “This economy is already hanging by thread. People don’t need a depressing board game to make it seem worse.”
Hasbro Corporation, makers of “Life,” seems puzzled by the recall. “We haven’t changed the formula of the game in years,” said a Hasbro spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous. “Yet for some reason, all of a sudden nobody can buy a house, everybody is losing jobs, kids can’t afford college and the only occupation not getting laid off is “entertainer.” We’re checking to see if there’s a problem with the die we use to make dice.”
The U.S. Surgeon General, who doesn’t wish to remain anonymous but no one knows his name anyway, calls the “Life” depression an “epidemic the likes of which we haven’t seen since the “I Can’t Solve This F-ing Rubik’s Cube” depression of the 60’s.” He blames the problem on players hope to escape their current problems by playing a game instead of getting drunk, stoned or laid. “Board games are an artificial homeopathic remedy that have never been tested by the FDA. They’re as ineffective as Airborne and less effervescent.”
Hasbro is hoping to have the Game of Life back on the market after the Christmas holidays. “We’re losing some revenue by pulling it from the shelves during the Christmas season,” said the anonymous Hasbro spokesperson. “On the other hand, it’s really boosting the sales of “Johnny’s First Home Brewing Kit” and “The Hemp Terrarium.”