NEW YORK, NY — The economic downturn continues to create havoc in the struggling newspaper business. Shortly after The Rocky Mountain News (motto: “Highest Newspaper Outside Of Amsterdam”) – Colorado’s oldest newspaper – was put up for sale, The New York Times (motto: “All The News That’s Fit To Print”) announced the paper will be downsized from standard newspaper size to 3-by-5 (new motto: “All The News That Fits On An Index Card).
New York Times editor Murray R. Edwards says the smaller format will appeal to younger readers. “They’d rather twitter that read. We reduced Tom Friedman and Maureen Down to 70 words each so now they can do both.” Most insiders believe Friedman will leave, since he can’t even say hello in under 800 words. Dowd is considering an offer from the New York Post, but it would require a move from politics to Britney Spears.
Newspaper sellers also applaud the move. Stoop-shouldered Buck Artwald, a Times home delivery carrier for over 30 years, was all smiles as he sold his worn red wagon on eBay. “Now I can carry 100 papers in my fanny pack,” he said. “I’m getting ready for the Sunday edition by lifting decks of cards.”
Although the size of the paper has been reduced, the price of The New York Times will remain the same. “We make up for it in quality,” said editor Edwards. “A Times on an index card is still a better value than a full-sized USA Today, especially if you use it for other things, like a coaster or a windshield scraper.”