With the movie “Four Christmases” hauling in $31.6 million on its opening weekend to finish Number 1 at the box office, coupled with the bleak outlook for sales this holiday season, major retailers across the U.S. have unveiled their plan to push for three more Christmases to be added to the list of national holidays. “The American people have spoken … they want four Christmases!” said John “Mac” Intire, WalMart VP of Promotions and Smiley Face Distribution. “I’m not talking about beefing up Hanukah, Kwanzaa and whatever those Stonehenge dudes celebrate. We want a Christmas in March, June and September. And a three more Thanksgivings too … we need the Black Fridays and I’m sure turkey farmers wouldn’t mind the extra business.”
Marge Houlihan, Special Projects Director at Neiman-Marcus, agrees. “Not everybody feels like spending $500,000 in December for a gold-plated helicopter. That’s more of a summery gift, so a Christmas in June would be perfect for us.” Wally O’Reilly, Marketing Manager at Toys R Us, is also behind the move. “We checked our records and not a single one of our stores has sold a CandyLand game outside of the week before Christmas. With four Christmases to clear out slow-moving inventory, we’d have shelf space for the stuff kids really want, like Wii CandyLand.”
Even singer Andy Williams loves the idea. “I own the Christmas carol market! This could get me my own show again. I’ll show Rosie O’Donnell how to do variety. I wonder if Dean and Perry are still alive?”
Establishing new holidays requires presidential approval, so the chances of retailers getting their wish are pretty good. Outside of buying a puppy for the Obama girls, this could be President Bush’s best opportunity to leave a lasting legacy in his name. “I’ll do it as long as I don’t have to pick out new Christmas cards to send out every three months,” said the president.