HOLLYWOOD, CA — Suri Cruise, the 2-year-old daughter of Tom “Remember Me?” Cruise and Katie “Not The Australian Wife” Holmes, was named the World’s Most Powerful Tot Under Age Five by Forbes.com and immediately used her new-found influence to bail out economically-stricken toy retailer Toys “R” Us. “Suri like toys!” the beaming Miss Cruise told business reporters as she jumped up-and-down on the couch in the CNBC studio.
Details of the bailout are sketchy at the moment. An unnamed Toys “R” Us executive would only say that the $10 billion payment was delivered in a coin-filled ceramic F-14 fighter jet similar to the one used in one of her daddy’s films, “Top Gun.” “Maverick money!” said Miss Cruise as she spun herself around in the chairman’s booster chair she will occupy during Toys “R” Us board meetings.
Proud papa Tom Cruise says the company will use a portion of the money to stock store shelves with some of Suri’s favorite toys and games. A company spokesperson said this does not include “Mission Impossible” action figures and “Lions For Lambs” stuffed lambs since most stores haven’t sold any of them in years.
Other famous Hollywood offspring on the Most Powerful Tots list are Shiloh, Zahara and Pax Jolie-Pitt, and Sean Preston Federline, son of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, whom Suri kept calling “Doo-doo Head Sean” until mommy Katie threatened to make her watch “Eyes Wide Shut” with her eyes wide open.
Forbes.com speculates that Suri will continue to throw her tiny weight around. One rumor is that she offered to sponsor Bob Seger’s next world tour if he lets her dance on stage in her Pampers to “Old Time Rock and Roll” and sings some songs by the Wiggles.