Capitalist Banter

14 Tips From GM To Help Save GM

November 18, 2008

DETROIT, MI — General Motors management has developed a backup plan in the event that the Treasury Department doesn’t bail the company out and China decides to spend its yen on developing easier-to-use chopsticks. Every GM car dealership, GM car owner, UAW member and NASCAR fan will receive shortly in the mail this list of 14 tips to help GM save GM. Here’s an advance copy of what they’ll be getting:

  1. Buy a small GM car so there’s more place for the Hummers to park at the mall.
  2. Put all of your leftover McCain/Palin ’08 bumper stickers on every Honda and Toyota you see.
  3. Get rid of your German car so a retired GM worker who lost his benefits can move into your garage.
  4. Demand that you grocery store carry alphabet soup with only the letters G and M.
  5. If you’re a bowler in a union league, refuse to bowl strikes.
  6. Go to an auto show and spread rumors that the beautiful model by the Ferrari is a transvestite.
  7. Drive in bike lanes.
  8. Rent a Chevy Chase movie.
  9. Go to AA instead of the Betty Ford Clinic.
  10. Steal only foreign cars while playing Grand Theft Auto.
  11. Put Michael Moore’s face on your chair seat.
  12. Finance all Hot Wheels you buy for Christmas through GMAC.
  13. Refer to your bathroom break as “taking a mazda.”
  14. Wear wool socks and sweaters, build up a charge and touch an electric car.

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