President-elect Barack “Get Me A Puppy” Obama campaigned and won on a promise of bringing change to Washington. Then he met with financial leaders in D.C. and mentioned former Treasury Secretary Lawrence Summers and world’s richest man Warren Buffet as possible choices for Treasury Secretary. That’s not change … that’s as predictable as naming Sarah Palin Secretary of Pit Bull Management. Obama needs to dig deep into his Hawaiian roots and do a real hula dance to shake things up at the Treasury. Here’s some candidates who can shake like Dodger bobblehead dolls on a loose shelf in an earthquake:
Jim Cramer: Sure, the host of CNBC’s Mad Money was wrong about Bear Stearns and caused a minor panic when he went on the Today show and told investors to get out of the market for five years. But he has something current Secretary Hank Paulson lacks … a face that looks like he’s going to blow a gasket and dig up Wall Street with a backhoe. It doesn’t matter what the secretary says as long as he says it with a look that would inspire Edvard Munch to paint The Scream, Part Deux.
Charles Montgomery Burns of The Simpsons: Warren Buffet may be richer, but Mr. Burns knows every evil, illegal and downright dastardly way to make money. The only thing he enjoys more than making money is making Homer’s life miserable. All Obama needs to do is convince Burns that every CEO on Wall Street is a distant relative of Homer Simpson and they’ll be whimpering and pleading for mercy like Bart being forced to kiss Lisa.
Rich Uncle Pennybags: No one has given more money to the public for doing so little than Rich Uncle Pennybags, the mascot of the Monopoly board game. Just for moving a thimble around a corner, millions of people have received $200 that they must invest in stocks and real estate, not put in the bank or spend on trivial things like food or college. If anyone can manage the next big tax rebate, it’s Rich Uncle Pennybags.
Bob Barker: He said he wanted to take it easy after retiring from hosting The Price is Right, but when it comes to pushing commodities getting the public to pay attention to the cost of goods, no one does it better than Bob Barker. He’s single-handedly saved the spaying-and-neutering industry and created a whole new high-paying job category called “spokesmodel.” If he wants change at the Treasury, Obama needs to call Barker and say, “Come on down!”