DETROIT, MI — Hoping to stave off bankruptcy with one last-ditch effort to appeal to younger car buyers, General Motors (motto: “Not your father’s whatever.”) announced it is ordering dealers to ditch such tried-and-true sales come-ons as “zero down payment,” “easy financing” and “free maintenance on everything that never breaks” and instead offer “free pimping” on all General Motors vehicles. “It’s apparent we have no idea what the young people want,” said GM sales manager Bob Prindls. “With this new program, we still won’t know but now we don’t care.”
Similar to the popular television show, “Pimp My Ride,” GM service departments will perform complete makeovers on all standard GM vehicles, from the smallest hatchback to the largest SUV. “We don’t expect the pimping requests to be too difficult,” said Prindls. “If you’re buying a GM car, you don’t have much imagination to begin with.”
To advertise the new program, GM will replace the “Mr. Goodwrench” mascot with “The GM Pimpin’ Crew,” a custom body shop team consisting of design specialist Heavy Chevy, painter Ta-Ho and accessories guru Hondasux. The first commercial will feature a high-speed conversion pimping a Chevy Cobalt into a nitro-fueled Co-Bolt dragster.
The program has been tested secretly at a few dealerships around the country with mixed results. Zig “Call Me Crazy” Freud, the largest GM dealer in Indiana, doesn’t like it. “I had three kids come in here, buy $10,000 Aveos and pimp them into Chevy half-ton pickups. Call me crazy, but I think I just lost about 60 grand on those deals!” Bob “Deal-Makin’” Mann, a dealer in California, disagrees. “I love free pimping. I sold ten Hummer 2’s last week to people who had them pimped to look like Priuses so they’re friends wouldn’t know.”
While the effect of “free pimping” on GM sales won’t be known for a few months, it is already having an influence on model car sales. Toy stores report a 300% increase in sales of plastic model cars. The sales are directly attributed to the GM “free pimping” program since many of the kits are being bought by home-schooled kids who have never sniffed anything stronger than Magic Markers.