SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT – Approximately one month after People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) publicly called for ice cream giant Ben & Jerry’s to replace the cow’s milk in its ice cream with human breast milk, founders Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield held a press conference at their South Burlington headquarters and announced the company will comply with the request and set a goal of using all breast milk in their ice cream by 2010.
“It seemed kind of gross at first,” said Greenfield, “but once we chilled out and put our heads together, it made sense on so many levels.” The high cost of cow’s milk has hit the ice cream makers hard. Ben & Jerry’s hopes to keep the cost of human breast milk down by obtaining it voluntarily from lactating employees and their spouses or partners, franchisees, loyal fans and Angelina Jolie. All suppliers will eventually be required to become vegans and provide organic breast milk.
“Breast milk fits right into our new marketing plans,” says Cohen. “Have you ever noticed that a cone looks kind of like a breast? And two cones look like Madonna’s breasts?” Cohen hinted that new flavors are already in the works, including Yo Mama Banana, Hooters Orange Creamsicle and Fudge Ripple Nipple.
“Breast milk is perfect for the new millennium,” said Greenfield. “We’d been milking – I can’t believe I just said that – this hippie thing for far too long anyway.” PETA strongly endorses the move and has offered to provide nude supermodels covered in chocolate syrup and peanuts for promotions.
Will other ice cream manufacturers follow suit? Hoping to be the first to market with 31 unique flavors of breast milk ice cream, Baskin Robbins is reportedly working with nutritionists to tweak the diets of lactating women to get milk with crushed Oreos already in it.