DETROIT, MI — After a secret merger offer was turned down by Ford, and a second merger offer is a receiving lukewarm response from Chrysler and Wall Street, General Motors (motto: “’Big’ is the new ‘humongous’”) has shocked the Detroit automotive world by entering talks with yet another former sworn enemy — Michael Moore, the director of the anti-GM documentary “Roger & Me.”
“We decided to keep our friends close and our enemies closer, like that Sun Roof guy said in “The Art of War,”” explained GM spokesperson Rod X. Ost. “And GM has no bigger enemy than Michael Moore. Ooops, I promised him no more fat jokes.”
In secret talks conducted while driving around Detroit in a battery-powered Hummer limousine, GM executives offered Moore half of the company’s stock, $50 million in cash and an extra-wide Corvette designed just for him. In return, Moore would agree to shoot a new documentary entitled “Toyota, Medical Insurance, Union Pensions & Me” about how GM – like Flint, Michigan, in “Roger & Me” – was brought to its knees by outside forces it had no control over.
Moore is upset that GM leaked the news about the talks before he had a chance to make his decision. “This is typical of a desperate company that’s not used to not getting its way,” said Moore. “I asked them to give me 30 days to meet with my staff and to pick out a color for the Corvette. Plus, I wanted to see how long they could go without telling a fat joke.”
In a related story, Ford is in merger talks with Ralph Nader and Chrysler is testing the waters with the actor who played the guy who invented intermittent wipers and got screwed by the auto companies.