NEW YORK, NY — Hot on the heels of the announcement that Esquire magazine has named actress Halle Berry (“X-Men,” “Monster’s Ball,” millions of teen fantasies) the Sexiest Woman Alive, The Wall Street Journal is publishing its first-ever glossy issue and in it names Halle Berry its “Sexiest Woman We’d Like To Be Bailed Out By.”
“Wall Street needs a pick-me-up right now, and we can’t think of any we’d rather get picked up by than Halle Berry … or maybe Warren Buffet … no, Halle Berry,” said Journal special editions editor Dwight Winger. “The only woman we saw during the bailout negotiations was Nancy Pelosi, and she’s about as sexy as Barney Frank in drag. Sorry Nancy. You too, Barney.” The ‘Berry’ Street Journal will be filled with pictures of the actress, reviews of her movies and interviews where she talks about sex, money and sexy money.
Berry told the Journal she was thrilled, although a bit confused, by the honor. “I guess bank bailouts are like orgasms,” she said. “One big one is better than a lot of little ones. And even a little one is better than none at all. Can you give yourself a bailout?”
The special edition – with a scantily-clad Berry on the cover wrapped in a see-through copy of the Journal’s stock page – will be sold separately from the daily paper. Regular subscribers will be billed an extra ten dollars … fifteen if they call ahead and ask for it to be delivered in a plain envelope marked “Disneyland vacation photos.”
Executives at Esquire don’t see The ‘Berry’ Street Journal cutting into their sales. “Those bankers and brokers don’t get turned on by Berry’s breasts,” said an unnamed source at Esquire. “The only two smooth round things they like to look at are Paulson and Bernanke’s bald heads.”