LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Business is not your strong suit. Neither is pinstripe. It’s time to switch to a suit with your name permanently attached to the pocket.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Remember your face after hearing about Lehman Bothers? It will be perfect to carve in your Halloween pumpkin.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Be careful when considering a move. Your Window of opportunity has been replaced by a Vista of opportunity.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Now is not a good time to become a whistle blower. The Witness Protection Program is considering a round of cutbacks.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Assistance in installing a new home computer network is not always the best reason to have children.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): If your performance is suffering from a “sophomore slump,” pretend you’re working in dog years.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Just because your boss says you’re all washed up, it doesn’t mean he’s planning to recommend you to “Dancing With The Stars.”
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Most highly effective people have seven habits. You need seven habits plus seven relatives in upper management.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Be wary of applying for work at a company whose executives spend their lunch hour playing Fantasy Layoff League.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Making friends at work is important. Just do it someplace other than in the rest room.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Be careful what you store on your office computer. You know your boss is reading your email if the text suddenly @x&4)kl*4jk+”.,<Je$2.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Unless you’re running for vice president, don’t put those two years of college you wasted playing Monopoly on your resume as “financial management experience.”