In a move pressured by federal regulators, Merrill Lynch, the world’s largest financial broker, will be purchased by Bank of America for $29 a share, or $43.5 billion from local Hackensack, New Jersey used car salesman Tony “Legs” Rigtilliano.
Things looked dour for Merrill Lynch when Morgan Stanley turned down a possible acquisition of the brokerage house. Federal regulators seeking a suitor for Lynch eventually turned to Mr. Rigtilliano. “We felt confident that Mr. Rigtilliano could get the job done and save Merrill Lynch from certain doom at the hands of their own greed and avarice. Besides, I heard he sold Deputy Secretary Kimmitt a 2002 Ford Focus and even got him to buy the undercoating. Whatever the hell that is” said treasury department spokesperson Annie O’Hanly.
In a stroke of good fortune, Mr. Rigtilliano was available to assist in the negotiations as he had just reached his sales quota after selling a broken-down Kia Sorento to a couple that barely spoke English. When reached for comment Mr. Rigtilliano said, “My ma told me I could sell horse crap to a manure salesman. Other than that time I tricked a tool into buying a Sportage what had the doors ripped off ‘cause I told ‘em it was a ‘open-air special edition’ this is probably my biggest scam job yet!”
Merrill Lynch is facing a severe round of layoffs in the wake of the merger. Those layoffs are expected to include CEO John Thain. “It’s over,” said one senior Merrill official. On a positive note, federal regulators suggest that there is a new career opening up to the workforce Merrill Lynch is letting go. Federal regulator Richard Hurtz explains, “Every single used car lot we went to was hiring repo-men. It was uncanny.”