REDMOND, WA — Upset by the millions of negative emails sent to its Redmond headquarters after the first airings of its new $300 million ad campaign featuring comedian Jerry Seinfeld, Microsoft Corporation (motto: “Wait till you see our NEXT operating system!”) announced it is replacing Seinfeld with 82-year-old legendary comic Jerry Lewis. “I saw him on the telethon and he still makes me laugh,” said Microsoft VP of Marketing Tosyuchi Kowalski. “I can’t wait to hear him yell, “Hey, Vista!”
Virtually all of the emails complained that the new commercial – showing Jerry Seinfeld helping Bill Gates buy shoes at a discount store – made no sense. “Why wasn’t there at least a guy named Mac for Jerry to hit with a marbled rye?” asked one of the few emails with comments suitable for a family blog. “If they want us to watch ass-wiggling, they should have had Brad Pitt play Bill Gates,” said another. Most simply ranted: “F*** Jerry, it’s a s***** @%$!+ commercial, you %$)*&! blue-screen m*****-f*****s!”
Bill Gates was said to be heartbroken over having to fire Seinfeld. “It’s not about his fee – Jerry’s $10 million salary is tooth fairy money to Bill,” said Kowalski. “Once the commercials were done, Jerry promised to give Bill a picture he took of Julia Louis-Dreyfus nude in a hot tub full of vanilla pudding. Now he’ll never get it.”
Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer questioned the switch to the aging Lewis, at least until he was given secret documents which show that among Microsoft users, searches for “Nutty Professor” outnumber “Soup Nazi” 2-to-1, and searches for “Hey Lady!” outnumber “Not that there’s anything wrong with that” almost 4-to-1. Ballmer put it this way: “This guy couldn’t be any more popular if he was caught getting out of a limo without pants … not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
Shooting for the new commercials will begin as soon as Lewis promises not to bring any handguns or seltzer bottles to Redmond. Lewis is expected to add his own unique style to the next ad. In a phone call from Los Angeles, he said, “Expect to see crooked teeth, thick glasses and bad hair. And that’s just on Bill Gates! Ba-da-bing! Hey, Lady!”