NEW YORK, NY — U.S. News & World Report (motto: “Longest Name Of The Leading News Magazines”) has followed up its popular annual U.S. News America’s Best Colleges issue with a controversial report that should nonetheless attract many new readers to the news weekly. U.S. News America’s Best Degree Mills ranks the top 100 places in the U.S. to purchase a bachelor’s, master’s or doctorate degree in any discipline. “Most of these diploma factories will sell you a cheap-looking mass-produced fake sheepskin for under a hundred bucks,” said Mel Grizflore, the U.S. News journalist who headed up the survey. “My staff spent an entire year analyzing these places of lower learning to help Americans make an educated decision when lying about their education.”
At the top of the U.S. News America’s Best Degree Mills list is Hardvard University, the ironically-self-proclaimed “Yale of Unaccredited Colleges.” Based in a storefront near the actual Harvard University in Massachusetts, Hardvard offers high-quality counterfeit diplomas in all subjects, online fake records and reunions every five years based on your purchase date – all for $5,000. “For another $1,000, they’ll provide school newspaper clippings of your feats on the football team, a letter sweater, fraternity pins and a picture of you receiving an award from a dean,” said Grizflore. “It’s actually a Photoshopped image of you and James Dean in a beard, which makes it legal.”
Students on a tighter budget can purchase a degree from Florida A&B, a non-accredited fine arts school and bait shop near Miami. For about $500, Florida A&B provides a bachelor’s degree in fine arts, a picture of you in the school production of “Hamlet” and a certificate verifying that you paid off your student loan. “Florida A&B is the party school of degree mills,” said Grizflore. “Every degree is delivered with a free six-pack and a photo of you passed out on a dorm room floor.”
Regular subscribers of U.S. News & World Report are aghast at the new report, but that doesn’t faze Griflore or his editor, Margaret Ashbirch. “It’s no secret the magazine industry is hurting,” said Ashbirch. “It was either this or those smelly aftershave inserts, and our readers aren’t the Old Spice types.”
Other leading national magazines are watching U.S. News & World Report closely. If the U.S. News America’s Best Degree Mills is a success, Forbes plans to do special edition in the fall called The Forbes Top 100 Companies Led By A CEO With A Fake Degree and Fortune is considering a survey of the best fake resume writers.