Shocked at the news that Microsoft has hired Jerry Seinfeld as pitchman for a $300 million ad campaign to begin September 4, Apple users around the country are responding by boycotting “Seinfeld” reruns. “We ignored George’s lousy sitcom and Kramer using the N-word, but this atrocity will not stand!” said MacBook user Eric Wickman. “Jerry was an Apple guy. He never ever touched a Windows PC on the show, not even to download porn to tempt George during the ‘Master Of My Domain’ episode.”
The boycott could cost Jerry millions of dollars in residual income, since there is a “Seinfeld” rerun showing 24/7 somewhere on all cable carriers. “When we’re through with him, Porsche Boy will be back to taking the subway to buy his marbled rye,” said Elaine Benes, a cross-dresser who legally changed his name in an homage to his favorite character.
Microsoft is hoping Seinfeld will help sales of the Vista operating system, which have been hurt by Apple’s hilarious ‘Mac Guy versus PC Guy’ commercials, not to mention the fact that the only satisfied Vista users so far are Bill Gates’ inheritance-craving children. “Paying Jerry $10 million to appear with Bill Gates is a good investment,” said Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, “especially since Michael Phelps wanted $100 million and wouldn’t promise to not make fun of Bill’s hair.”
Apple fans are angry enough that the boycott could extend from “Seinfeld” reruns to Jerry’s recent film, “Bee Movie.” “I don’t want my kids supporting the output of a turncoat,” said iMac user Myra Cruze. “They see enough of that watching campaign ads.”
Jerry’s “Seinfeld” co-stars have mixed feelings about his new sponsorship. “Why couldn’t he endorse the Yankees?” asked Jason Alexander, who played George Constanza. “Everybody loves the Yankees!” “I use a Mac on my show, ‘The New Adventures of Old Christine,’ plugged Julia Louis-Dreyfus, who played Elaine. “Well, I think it’s a Mac. I use it to prop up the mirror when I’m getting my hair done. Doesn’t it look great?” Michael Richards, who played Cosmo Kramer, was not available for comment. He’s hitting the comedy clubs trying out new material he’ll be using to warm up the crowd at the Republican convention.
Jerry himself has his usual droll outlook on the controversy. “Did you ever notice how celebrities in commercials don’t look like they actually use the products they endorse? Did you ever see any dried oatmeal in Wilford Brimley’s mustache? Have you ever seen Martha Stewart making Chateaubriand in a 5 buck Target T-shirt? Excuse me, I‘m getting a call on my iPhone. Hello, Newman.”