CHICAGO, IL – In an attempt to boost sagging magazine sales caused by sagging nude models, Playboy Enterprises announced it will purchase Monsanto’s artificial growth hormone for dairy cows business which the company recently put on the market. “This is a win-win deal for both parties,” said Playboy spokesperson Darlene ‘DD’ Dawson. “Monsanto gets out of a business that’s going bust and Playboy gets the key to giving us the busty models we were once famous for.”
Monsanto has decided to focus on its blossoming seed business instead of dairy growth hormones after grocery stores reported drooping profits due to customers objecting to milk products containing artificial hormones. “Our customers aren’t that picky,” said Playboy’s Dawson. “They don’t care how they got big as long as long as the centerfold needs two pages to display them.”
The Food and Drug Administration had been pressured by Monsanto to disallow labeling that promoted milk free from growth hormones, but Playboy has no plans to follow suit. “Everybody at the FDA got complimentary lifetime subscriptions during the Clinton administration,” said Dawson. “As long as we include at least one girl from Washington in every issue, they leave us alone.”
While control of the dairy growth hormone will give Playboy’s business an uplift, its monopoly on the product may cause sales at other men’s magazines featuring busty models to go flat. “The economy has already hurt the porn business,” said a mustachioed spokesperson from the porn business who asked to remain nameless and unphotographed. “Why pay for something you can get your hot neighbor to do for a gallon of gas and then sell the video on the Internet?”
In a related story, a spokesperson for former New York governor Elliot Spitzer denied a report that he has recently grown a mustache.