CINCINNATI, OH – Proving once again that a rising slick lifts all barges, Oil of Olay joined Exxon Mobil in reporting record quarterly profits. While not in Exxon’s $11.7 billion ballpark, Oil of Olay’s $73,967.52 was the company’s best quarter since the Botox shortage of 2005 and beat the previous record caused by the dermatologist strike in 1992. CEO Bob “Eppy” Durm thanked the company’s loyal customers for sticking with Oil of Olay despite recent price increases instead of switching to low-cost alternatives such as petroleum jelly, cream cheese or lard.
Experts in the facial moisturizer sector of the oil business differ in their reasons for Oil of Olay’s record performance. “It’s all about demand,” says economist Rex Barxoff. “Beijing’s air pollution is prematurely wrinkling the skin of Chinese women and millions of them are paying premium prices for skin products.” This may explain why Oil of Olay is the main sponsor of televised coverage of the Olympic women’s marathon.
“It’s the moisturizer speculation market,” argues stock analyst Zephrim Abraham. “Ever since the government required Olay to add 10 percent creamed corn in their product, speculators have been driving up the price in anticipation of a fight between the face cream and petroleum industries over corn.” Farmers tend to side with Olay in the corn battle because of heavy marketing of the product in the Corn Belt as a soothing balm for hot red necks.
Oil of Olay’s future profits may be hurt by recent accusations of war profiteering. Investigative reporters in Iraq found that female soldiers were buying Olay instead of using Army-issued MRTS – moisturizers ready to spread. While the company denies the accusations, it cannot reveal exactly which soldiers have switched to Oil of Olay because of the Pentagon’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.