CHICAGO, ILLINOIS — Ever since the day he stomped all over her couch in a proclamation of love for Katie Holmes, Oprah has been trying to win Tom Cruise over to her new church, which unofficial representatives describe as a cross sampling of all world religions with an emphasis on purchasing books to assist in the spiritual journey.
“It’s not a lot different than the Scientology model,” said an inside source who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s been scientologically proven that buying books gets one closer to God.” While leaving the fate of one’s eternal soul up to chance may be risky business, Oprah is going to make sure that doesn’t happen to any of her millions of fans – or Tom’s.
The anonymous source told this reporter: “She’s found in Tom a proven evangelical – almost messianic – quality that will take this new venture to the next level.” A television program featuring Holmes in false eyelashes and a purple wig is currently in development. Church names under consideration include Chisteojudaslamism and Budisikianity.