WASHINGTON, DC – Members of the dentist organization Periodontal Activities Involving Novocain (PAIN) petitioned Congress today to help their flailing industry overcome the rising cost of laughing gas by allowing them to drill offshore. “Laughing gas is over $5.00 a gallon on average,” said Cavett Efinder, DDS, spokesperson for the group. “California dentists are paying $6.00 a gallon and rural dentists still using older equipment are getting charged $7.00 a gallon for laughing diesel.”
Republicans immediately called for opening the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to laughing gas drilling, while Democrats from farm states questioned why the dentists couldn’t switch to laughing ethanol, forcing Dr. Efinder to explain that those solutions would take too long to lower the price. What PAIN is asking is for Congress to help them reduce their rent by lifting the ban on opening dental offices offshore, a law dating back to the late 1700s when President George Washington had a bad experience with warped wooden teeth.
“We can’t afford the rent in office buildings and medical centers anymore,” said Efinder. “For what I pay every month, I can buy a bass boat equipped with a convertible outboard motor to power the drill. I don’t need a sink because patients can just spit over the side and I don’t need extra insulation because the motor drowns out the screaming.”
Efinder distributed charts showing that offshore drilling for dentists would also reduce dental bills, giving patients more money to spend on gasoline, floss and braces. In addition, he provided Google maps showing that most dentists live within 50 miles of a body of water, river or fake apartment lake that could support offshore drilling. “Without offshore drilling, we dentists will be forced to continue to pay high rents in our current buildings, most of which are owned by Middle Eastern investors,” Efinder pleaded.
A committee was formed to look into lifting the ban on offshore drilling. In the meantime, many Congress members covered their mouths and headed to their dentist to avoid suffering from both toothaches and seasickness.