Capitalist Banter

Heinz Annouces Bottled Tomatoes

June 30, 2008

PITTSBURGH, PA – Taking a cue from the bottled water industry, the H. J. Heinz Company (motto: “Don’t Blame Us For John Kerry”) announced that consumers who fear contracting salmonella from eating grocery store tomatoes can feel safe buying Heinz’s new line of bottled tomatoes. According to the press release, ‘Pure All-Natural Imported Crystal Spring Bottled Tomato’ is made from “imported premium spring-watered tomatoes grown on the shady side of the Alps by grain-fed farmers making a living wage.” One 6-ounce bottle of Pure All-Natural Imported Crystal Spring Bottled Tomato contains three of these tomatoes and will retail for $14.99 at most grocery stores, $18.99 at Whole Foods. “We believe that tomato lovers are willing to pay for quality, peace of mind and red tomatoes that are green in spirit,” said product director Mary Kelpore. When it was pointed out that Pure All-Natural Imported Crystal Spring Bottled Tomato looks and tastes exactly like Heinz 57 Ketchup, she announced that Heinz is changing the name of its ketchup to ‘Tap Tomatoes’ and expects the line to be phased out within a year.

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