WASHINGTON – With the dollar in what appears to be a perpetual decline, many states are turning to their own means to keep their financial infrastructure afloat. Like sweet, sweet, cocaine nostalgia, the days of independent states and drunken militias come rolling back as each state begins printing their own personal currency to help seperate themselves from the “sinking ship” that is the U.S economy.
The trend began in Alabama where one small town began buying in selling using, “Alabambucks.” The mishapen square tender depict a man in a plaid jumpsuit shooting a red, white and blue, automatic rifle into what appears to be an ocean of deer. The notes were crudely drawn by the daughter of a local resident and his sister/wife, using the Crayola “64 Crayon Pack”. The one with the sharpener built into the box.
It didn’t take long for the idea to catch on. Within only a few weeks of the introduction of the “Alabambuck” into the Alabamanese public the trend was already sparking new and creative ideas among the populations of Florida and Texas.
After witnessing the economic security and public response to the Alabambuck, the Florida government quickly produced their own state currency known as the “Flamingo-Bill.” The note features palm trees, flamingos and a sunset being ravaged by a Hurricane.
The Flamingo-Bill was taken exceptionally well by Senior Citizens because of its unique ability to also be used to pay “Charon the Ferryman” to row them across the River Stix after they die in their nursing homes.
“I just see it as a great compromise to gold coins. This way when I’m done with my rounds I can kick it down to Miami and party without worrying about my money being accepted.” said Charon when asked about the Flamingo-Bills.
Andrew Jackheim of Palm Beach County had this to say about the Flamingo-Bill, “I’m glad someone is finally looking out for the Senior Citizens. They die all of the time and usually can’t afford to pay for it. The last thing anyone wants is more Zombies.” His wife, Mildred, agreed.
Yet it’s not all good news in the world of State Currency. Texas, in response to Florida and Alabama’s immediate success with their own projects quickly drafted their own state tender but was met with somewhat different results.
Texas named their currency “Big Ones” as it relates to the phrase “Everything Is Bigger in Texas”, yet upon printing the currency and issuing them to the public, many citizens had mixed feelings about their apperance.
The Big Ones are printed approximately twice as large as normal dollars and contain simply, a large portrait of Walker Texas Ranger, holding a shotgun in either hand and brandishing what is unmistakably, a massive erection.
“I’m both disturbed and aroused by it.” said Butch Carlson, a resident of Dallas. “It’s got all of my favorite things, strong men, shotguns and huge boners, but I don’t like how the bills are so small.”
Yes, Texas has struggled since the bills release to assure the public that the currency is in fact large enough to make all of the other states both jealous and annoyed.
Though despite their rough start, Texas recently reported the overall opinion of the Big Ones to be increasing exponentially.
Is State Currency truly the way of the future? Will we continue to see more states breaking away and printing their own money in the weeks and months to come? Yet more importantly, what kind of impact will this new fad have on the country as a whole?
The answers rest in the hands of bored legislators everywhere.