Sect Members Are Desperately Short of Cash, Says One Inside Source
Fresh off of their bruising battle with Texas Child Welfare Authorities, the Associated Press has learned that various members of the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints (FLDS) have decided to auction off some of their extra wives for much-needed cash.
“We really had no choice after the legal proceedings had concluded,” indicated Dale Jessop, a leader at the group’s Texas compound. “We had to engage hundreds of attorneys to defend ourselves from the state’s meritless allegations. Now, these attorneys need to be paid and we don’t presently have the funds to pay for their services.”
Other sect leaders have indicated they are negotiating with Sotheby’s, a premiere auction house in New York City, to set up price guidelines for the various wives being offered for sale. Younger wives will initially be priced higher than older wives, while discounting will occur if children are to accompany their mothers.
“We’ll be working with the FLDS members to make their product more marketable to the buying public, ” said Frederick James, an official with Sotheby’s. “Some things will need to be modified – for instance, those Gumby-lookalike hairstyles are going to be history,” he indicated.
The FLDS religion states that the more wives a man has during his life, the better position he has in paradise. When Dale Jessop was asked why he was potentially reducing his position in paradise after he dies, Mr. Jessop, wistfully eyeing a group of children on a playground a ways off, stated “I’m not that concerned about that. Time will help us heal,” he stated with a glint in his eye.