With the combination of high fuel prices and a weak dollar conspiring to raise prices for both home entertainment equipment and domestic beer, children fear that the America’s fathers may seek a closer personal relationship with their offspring.
“It would be, like, a total disaster,” said Becky Locke, 14, when interviewed in front of a local Hot Topic clothing retailer. “I mean, it’s bad enough when the cable goes out and he wants to, you know, talk about his job and everything. I’m all like ‘Psshaww..just give me the money already so I can go get a new toe ring’, you know? I mean, gawd!”
Traditionally, the warm glow of television screens and the cold, crisp taste of fermented barely has had a limiting effect on the amount of time that the nation’s fathers can afford to spend with their children. However, with sharp increases in production costs hitting these vital dad-related industries, analysts predict that men will begin to focus their leisure time in dangerous new areas, such as the long-neglected fruits of their collective loins.
Dr. Marvin Tibbet, a couch-potato researcher from the University of Alabama, says that increased parental responsibility could have harmful long-term effects.
“Less beer and fewer TVs could spell the end of humanity as we know it,” explained Tibbet.”Everyone is concerned with global warming, with pumping too much carbon dioxide into the air. We all know that trees help ease the impact of greenhouse gases. But think of all of the trees that we will lose if fathers start paying attention to their kids. We’ll need wood for new baseball bats and lemonade stands. If every father in American helps his son build just one crappy birdhouse, we’ll need to clear thousands of acres of forest. A country of attentive dads is a country that I don’t want to live in.”
There are signs that the trend is beginning already. Minnesota insurance agent Henry Greene says that the lack of Sportcentre and Bud Light this summer will probably translate into more time spent with his son, Dane. “Oh yeah, I’d love to spend more time with Dave…sorry, Dane. I mean, I haven’t had the chance to lately. I work hard, and sometimes when I get home all I want is to sit down with a cold beer and watch a famous chef yell at less-famous chefs. But now that I can’t afford to keep the fridge stocked, yeah, I’d love to spend more time with my son. Go fishing. Collect stamps. Do everything I wished my father would do with me when I was twelve. Or, wait, seventeen. I think he’s seventeen.”