Tom Tancredo (R-CO), a staunch anti-immigrant congressman from Colorado, has recently sponsored a new bill in the U.S. House. A quick glance at this legislation, entitled “The Recession Relief Act,” does not reveal much. However, upon further analysis, the bill proposes to conquer both illegal immigration and record-high food prices, all in one fell swoop.
“Everyone knows I can’t stand those damn Mexicans,” indicated Tancredo, who was contacted via phone last Tuesday. “Furthermore, food prices have shot through the roof due to a variety of factors. Since the general public has not paid enough attention to my anti-immigrant efforts, I’m sponsoring this bill,” he added.
And what a bill it is. The bill proposes that Mexican illegal immigrants be round up, on an ongoing basis, and ground up into cornmeal. The resulting food product will then be sold, at cost, to needy Americans. If any excess is present, the bill proposes to donate the leftover cornmeal to various soup kitchens throughout the country.
“We shouldn’t have any problem finding these illegal Mexicans,” indicated Frank Wolf (R-VA), another well-known anti-immigration politician who is considering co-sponsoring the bill. “All we have to do is drive to the nearest Home Depot or Lowe’s, in disguise, and pretend we need someone to paint a house or do some landscaping work. They’ll come to us in droves. I estimate we can round up four or five at a time in this manner,” he added.
What’s presently unspoken is what government agency will be responsible for this dastardly deed. Tancredo’s legislative staff has indicated that they prefer a new bureau to be set up within the Bureau of Citizenship and Immigration Services (BCIS) to perform these tasks. “They already have the skills to round them up; it wouldn’t be much more of a leap to get these individuals to get their health cards and learn to regularly wash their hands,” indicated one staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity.
Other sources indicate that FBI and CIA personnel have the ability to make people “disappear” and may be better suited for the job.
Democrats, taking what is the usually the conservative Republican position, questioned the cost of such a program. “How do we know how much this program will cost? And how do we know how long this program will continue?” indicated Sen. Edward M. Kennedy (D-Mass.), chair of the Immigration, Border Security and Citizenship subcommittee of the Committee on the Judiciary in the United States Senate. “I think more politicians might be in favor of this program if they could exempt their own [ahem] employees from this program, but as it’s written now, there are no exemptions.”
Tancredo is hopeful that if this legislation is enacted and shows early promise, it can be expanded to another nationalities that also pose a significant illegal presence in the United States. Tancredo’s staff has already determined that detained illegal Germans could be processed into sauerkraut, while detained illegal Russians could be distilled into vodka.
“Dealing with the Russians would actually be fairly easy,” indicated Tancredo. “I mean, they drink so much that they’re half vodka already.”
Loretta Sanchez (D-CA), chosen to give a Democratic response to this article, could not be reached for comment. Witnesses have reported that Ms. Sanchez, apparently fearing that she herself would be ground up and mixed into the cornmeal mix, was seen in government buildings gathering documentary proof that she is a U.S. citizen, just in case the legislation is enacted into law.