Scientists today have announced an amazing new discovery – politicians are biologically different than the human race, known in scientific circles as Homo Sapiens. In fact, they are biologically different enough actually warrant their own species within the Homo genus, which scientists have dubbed Homo politicus.
Wang Chung, a scientist with the Harvard Biological Institute, further elaborated on this new nomenclature, which has been met with some disagreement in some scientific circles. “This species engages in a unique set of characteristics such as having an amazing ability to consume large amounts of alcohol, wasting excessive amounts of other people’s money by pretending to accomplish tasks when in reality nothing of significance gets accomplished, and most importantly, having a split personality,” he elaborated.
Richard Dawkins, an evolutionary biologist with the University of Oxford, is skeptical. “I mean, most of the behaviors of this ‘alleged’ new species have already been observed in members of Homo sapiens,” he indicated. However, he noted that post-mortem research of politician cadavers have frequently found one or more “absorbed twin” embryos, giving rise to theories that indicate politicians truly have what is frequently termed “multiple identity disorder.”
“If we can somehow show that these embryos are alive and functioning while the attached Homo politicus member is alive, I believe our scientific understanding of this species will advance considerably,” Wang Chung noted. “This would describe how these politicians can speak to various interest groups over a very short time span and give responses to these different groups that are polar opposites. It may be that the embryo(s) attached to each politician constitutes a completely separate identity for the associated politician, which the politician can switch at will.”
This would further explain the lack of guilt in relaying these multiple thoughts and positions that frequently conflict with one another, Chung further noted. “However, we need to capture and dissect one of them while they are alive in order to confirm this biological association.”
Scientists presently have an application in with the Food And Drug Administration (FDA). If it is approved, it is expected that scientists will then be authorized to kidnap, without further notice, a few active politicians for medical research. We’ll try to get one that is a major liar,” Chung indicated, “since such a politician will likely have a more developed embryo, or hopefully embryos, embedded in their body.”
Some scientists have already accepted the existence of this new species as fact and have expanded upon this discovery by naming separate subspecies within the Homo politicus species. Subspecies generally are biologically compatible with other subspecies of the same species, but have distinguishing characteristics that set them apart.
To provide the public with a better understanding of these different political subspecies, scientists have given what they believe to be real-life “case examples” of each designated subspecies.
Some of the more notorious politicians named so far as representative of the various subspecies are as follows:
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Larry Craig – Homo politicus homo
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Strom Thurmond – Homo politicus oldasshit
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Dennis Kucinich – Homo politicus straightfrommars
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Bill Clinton – Homo politicus ishouldbemormon
Scientists note that as other defining characteristics are further classified, other subspecies designations will be forthcoming.