NEW YORK — As the painful crunch of the economic downturn continues to rear its head in the lives of most Americans, nobody is feeling the squeeze more than working class hookers and pimps. Industry analyst, “Numbafuka”, an unofficial expert in the field pointed to the rising price of gas and crude oil.
“Playas’ can’t even afford ta get their ride up in this shit no’mo son.” Numbafuka texted to his homies from a street-corner, in an official report on Friday. His statement is referring to the mass decrease in customers that the industry has seen in the last three months.
With the cost of gas steadily on the rise the number of “hand-jobs”, “blow-jobs” and general industry sales have dropped a shocking 4.9% in the month of April alone. The sudden free-fall of business is being directly linked to the reduced driving and penny-pinching being done by middle-class white businessmen.
When asked to comment, “Plattinumb Rokz” a local pimp who serves as a benchmark for his sales region, had this to say: “I use to bank phat cash but these bustas’ showin up on bikez and shit tryin to get a ho fo’like five dollas. My Escalade costs mo’than five dollas just to turn the key, playa’.”
Wall Street and the Fed are currently monitoring this situation with great interest and are considering subsidizing pimps who would be willing to reduce their hourly fee per “ho”. This plan comes in the wake of many pimps being forced to shut down their “biznass” and get put in applications for actual “jobs”.
“This is an industry that contributes a great deal to the welfare of America and the Fed is taking a special interest in it. The collapse and bankruptcy of this industry could greatly impact the number of hookers who attend the Fed’s 4th of July cookout this year.” said Larry Rackenbaum, an event-planner for the Fed.
While waiting on the final word from The Fed, “Plattinumb Rokz” shared some uplifting words with a couple of “playas” at his regular street-corner, saying: “We be fine, son. Ain’t nobody gonna touch this. We gangstas.”