New York, NY – Moody’s Investors Service announced today it is lowering the credit rating of its main competitor, Standard & Poor’s, to Substandard & Destitute. “The S&P 500 has been consistently wrong about the alleged, possible-but-not-probable, so-called not-quite-a-recession,” says Roger Inswek, chief rater-of-the-raters at Moody’s. Standard and Poor’s has also been criticized recently for its attempt to become attractive to less-qualified, blue-collar investors through its sponsorship of the S&P 500 NASCAR race, a financial flop. “Who knew there were no NASCAR fans in Kennebunkport,” lamented Standard & Poor’s race director Lance Frescom. “It’s not my fault no one checked the calendar to see if we’d be losing fans to the Jenna Bush wedding coverage.” Standard & Poor’s will have one quarter to improve its performance enough for Moody’s to remove the Substandard & Destitute rating and avoid dropping to Moody’s lowest rating: Totally Unacceptable & Decrepit, a rating that has only been awarded once in history – to Donald Trump’s haircut.
In response to the news, Fitch Ratings, Ltd. announced it is lowering the credit rating of Moody’s to Cantankerous. Moody’s is expected to retaliate by lowering its rating of Fitch to Bitch, while Standard & Poor’s – in a move that reflects how far it has fallen – plans to give both its lowest rating, a new category called Doo-Doo Heads.