A group in India has announced plans to build and market a $20 laptop computer, making it cheaper than the $100 Children’s Machine designed by MIT, the $200-$400 EeePC made by Taiwan’s Asustek and the $300 “Don’t Ask Why It’s Dented, Do You Want It Or Not?” PC from my neighbor who sells steaks out of his trunk. The name of the new cheap laptop is the “Sakshat,” which is Indian for “Crapple.”

Leave it to India, the makers of the $2,000 car and the 50-cent national sewage system, to come up with a netbook that even people who were laid off when they’re jobs got outsourced to India can afford. Who cares if it’s immediately obsolete? At that price, they can buy a new one every week and still have money left over for cool new Indian computer games like Grand Theft Brahma and Sim Slum.

The Sakshat was developed and financed jointly by the Indian Institute of Science, the Indian Institute of Technology and the Indian Institute of Nuns Who Got Rich Selling Mother Teresa Souvenirs. It has 2Gb of RAM, wireless connectivity and folds up to make a handy coaster. A prototype was demonstrated at an electronics trade show in India. At about the same time the Sakshat was powered up, a curtain was ripped in half at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond and a MacBook Air with voice recognition software being tested at Apple headquarters in Cupertino suddenly began speaking in tongues.

India’s secretary of secondary and higher education said that, although the initial cost of the Sakshat is about $20 a unit, he expects the price to fall. At about that time, Michael Dell reportedly clutched his chest, looked skyward and cried, “This is the big one, Lizabeth!” The initial target audience for the Sakshat is the 550 million Indians under the age of 25 who need to learn computer skills to compete in the global market and study to win on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.”

This is why the $20 laptop must be stopped. Once they have their cheap computers, Indians will use them to build a bridge across the Pacific on which they will drive their $2,000 cars to America and buy our foreclosed houses. Before we know it, the Oscar will go to an Indian movie, all-American condiments like ketchup and salsa will be replaced by curry and the Cleveland Indians will be moved to Calcutta. HP, Dell and Apple will be forced to merge into one failing computer company called GMPC.

Email, call or Twitter your Congressional representatives and tell them to stop the Sakshat before it’s too late. Suggest distracting India from its goal by giving Google a chunk of the $800 billion bailout to redirect all searches made in India to porn sites featuring well-endowed Indian men and female snake charmers. Do it today!

PALO ALTO —Facebook, the largest online social network on earth, announced at a press conference Friday that it will lay off 50 employees by the end of the month. Web 2.0 pundits were shocked to learn the company actually had employees to let go.

“Yeah, there was an actual office and everything,” said Roland Shipley, a former member of Facebook’s inexplicable workforce. He also claimed to have personally seen hundreds of other Facebook employees during his tenure, and to have received regular paychecks, although he could not produce one friend, Facebook or real, to back up his claim.

Founded in 2004 by Harvard student Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook grew exponentially in online presence and workforce size despite the fact that nobody has the slightest clue how it makes money. During the early days, Zuckerberg says he was constantly being poked by some guy named Madoff. Some of the personnel cut included staff from sales, marketing and finance—although observers point out it may be more than coincidence that they’re all named “Smith.” “Users don’t notice online advertising anymore, not even for Obama plates,” said Michael Calore of Wired. “I suppose they could start charging people to join, but who would pay money to learn that some guy they barely know just went to the grocery store? Excuse me, I just got tweeted.”

When asked about the long-term viability of the company, Zuckerberg said, “Users depend on Facebook as an integral part of their daily lives. Without Facebook, how could you find out what their friends are doing? How would you invite them to parties or tell them how awesome they are? You think people could play a game like Scrabulous in real life? Impossible.”

REDMOND, WA – Microsoft Corp.(motto: “Just Forget Vista, OK?”), announced it is laying off 5,000 employees in the next year and a half, the first job cutback in the company’s history. “We’re going through an economic blue screen,” said Microsoft spokesperson Paige Falt. “We expect this corporate defrag to free up space and give our stock a reboot.”

Most of the employees being laid off are fairly new to the company, so their stock options are worth about as much as old DOS manuals. To help them through this tough time and keep them from storming the Redmond headquarters with pitchforks, sickles and sharpened CDs, Microsoft agreed to give each departing employee the following severance package:

• One autographed picture of Bill Gates for each month of service.
• As many Zunes as one can carry.
• A copy of ‘Economic Fallout 3’ for the Xbox 360.
• Map of San Jose.
• Jerry Seinfeld dartboard.
• Never-been-opened pack of Bill Gates’ combs.
• Hourly no-benefits contract to come back and clear out copier jams.
• Cassette of the Rolling Stones’ doing “Start Me Up.”
• Coupon for free tour of MSNBC.
• One minute to grab as much as possible in the company cafeteria.

BOISE, ID – Waldo S. Ware, newly-elected commissioner of the U.S. Professional Scavenger Hunt League (motto: “Do You Know Where I Can Find A Coconut Bra?”) announced today that mobile searches will be banned from league play staring with the 2009 season. “Mobile Searches are the worst scandal to hit our sport since Indian star Raja Klemuns tested positive for curry-based steroids.”

The U .S. Professional Scavenger Hunt League was established in 2008 to give small cities a chance to host a professional sports team without having to build a stadium, a sports complex or a bowling alley. Charter franchises were awarded to Boise, Idaho, Old Hickory, Tennessee, Cut-and-Shoot, Texas, and Eagle Butte, South Dakota. Cities that have lost sports franchises or are upset with their current teams are also under consideration, giving hope to Los Angeles and Detroit. The Scavenger Hunt Championship, called the Snooer Bowl, will be held in September in Egg Harbor City, New Jersey,

Ware first learned about cell-phone-initiated mobile searches on the Internet while looking for new items to add to the scavenger lists for the upcoming season. “I googled ‘hard-to-find stuff’ and up popped this site explaining Yahoo’s One Search , Google’s Mobile Search and Microsoft Live Mobile,” said Ware. “If a scavenger hunter can use his or her cell phone to quickly find the nearest store selling left-handed screwdrivers or mustache blow-dryers, I’d call that an unfair advantage. You know, like being born Yao Ming.”

To prevent scavenger hunters from using illegal mobile searches, the league will conduct random tests for iPhones, Blackberries and Android systems. Players caught with these devices will be suspended for one game. Players caught with dial telephones will not be penalized since they’re on the scavenger list.

Yahoo and Google refused to comment on the ban. Microsoft announced it would cancel commercials planned for broadcasts of U.S. Professional Scavenger Hunt League games and would apply the $12.95 to a Super Bowl ad.

LAS VEGAS—The 2009 Consumer Electronics Show, an extravaganza of the hottest new gadgets hitting the market, went largely unnoticed by attendee Lance Middleton, who used the event as a four-day, one-man tent revival about the virtues of his Google Android phone.

“The Android is the most revolutionary thing since DOS,” Middleton told anyone who would listen and a few guys he cornered in the men’s room. “Ten years from now, nobody’s going to remember the iPhone or that skinny dead guy.”

Middleton, 29, purchased the T-Mobile G1, the first phone to use Google’s new Android operating system, as a Christmas gift to himself. After memorizing the manual, sales brochure and list of possible side effects, he’s been going on and on about it ever since.

At CES, Middleton wandered past various displays of stereos, personal computers, and Blu-ray players. However, his activity inevitably devolved into an excuse to talk about his phone. “Like, he’d take a picture of a home theater system with his phone, then ask the person next to him, ‘You seen one of these yet?’” said Chet Forster, Middleton’s buddy and CES hotel roommate. “Next thing this poor guy knows, Lance is all ‘open source’ this and ‘democratic apps market’ that.” Forster added he planned to buy an iPhone as soon as he got his next paycheck, then registering Lance’s Gmail address as a “satisfied iPhone customer who wants every marketing email and new product update Apple sends out.”

During the convention, Middleton was variously spotted booing the new Palm Pre, and obsessively using his phone’s GPS/Google Maps feature for directions to destinations mere blocks away. “I mean, it’s Vegas,” said CES staffer Milton Borges. “If you’re looking for Circus Circus, it’s the place that looks like a giant goddamn circus tent.”

Middleton also live-blogged the event, a task which sometimes took more than an hour per post on his phone’s tiny keyboard. “In five years, the Android will replace the personal computer,” Middleton wrote in an entry to FreeLance. “Forget One Laptop per Child. We’re raising a generation of Androids.” Middleton’s posts suggested he did not find this thought frightening, nor a possible sign of the apocalypse.

As the convention drew to a close, Middleton was using his phone to find a tattoo parlor in order to get a tattoo of the Android’s green robot mascot taking a bite out of the Apple logo. However, for all the Android’s features, Middleton was unable to program the number of any single women into his phone.

CUPERTINO, CA — Shortly after blaming his recent weight loss and emaciated appearance on a hormonal imbalance, Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the iDoc, a specially-modified iPhone that keeps constant tabs on his medical condition and sends text messages to concerned users whenever his pulse quickens, his breathing shortens or he gets acid reflux for any reason other than a drop in Apple’s stock price. “It’s the coolest product we’ve built in the past 48 hours,” said a visibly excited Jobs while holding up the iDoc to show reporters that his pulse was still within the acceptable CEO range.

The iDoc will sell initially for $599, but is expected to drop to $99 as soon as sales reach 100,000 or Jobs gains some weight. “Products this cool are a bargain at any price, and $599 is a really cool price,” Jobs told Apple users who were waving money in one hand while calling friends on their iPhones with the other to warn them to hurry up and head to the nearest Apple store before the iDoc isn’t cool anymore or it’s on sale at Wal-Mart.

Like the iPhone, the iDoc can be loaded with apps from Apple’s iTunes store, including iCAT, which monitors Jobs brain waves, iEKG, which monitors his heartbeat, and iBELT, which monitors his waistline. “We expect developers to come out with a lot more cool iDoc apps as soon as they see how terrible I look today,” said Jobs.

In an attempt to jump on the “Better buy now before our favorite CEO dies” bandwagon, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates is rumored to be on a starvation diet and learning to get nosebleeds on command.

Redmond, WA — Thousands of people who received Microsoft’s 30-gigabyte Zune (motto: “No, Zune is not an ancient Greek word for ‘Piece of crap’”) media players for Christmas and were thrilled when the poor-excuse-for-an-iPod players stopped working on December 31, switched to disappointment when the Zunes began working again on January 1. “We’ve fixed the ‘leap year’ glitch that caused the problem,” said Rob ‘Don’t Call Me Rod’ Blagojevich, spokesperson for Microsoft. “Everything will be fine in the next Zune model scheduled for market in 2012 in conjunction with our next release of Windows.”

A sad-faced Bertie ‘Don’t Call Me Bernie’ Madoff was waiting in the mile-long return line at Wal-Mart when his Zune suddenly started working again. “I was planning to get a refund and use it to buy a cheap Wal-Mart iPhone,” said Bertie. “I told my wife not to get me a Zune but she thought the color went with the underwear she gave me, which I’m also returning.” An upset Mamie ‘Don’t Call Me Amy’ Winehouse was crying at the counter. “This was my last resort. I tried to re-gift it to my mom and now she’s putting me up for adoption. Who wants an unemployed needs-a-boob-job 27-year-old daughter?”

“We’re not accepting returns on working Zunes,” said Wal-Mart returns manager Claude ‘Don’t Call Me Claus’ von Stauffenberg. “Microsoft won’t take them back and they’re worth less used than George W. Bush bobble-head dolls. I’ve got thousands of those in the back. I use them to pay the illegal, I mean contract, workers.”

Apple is hoping to bring some of the disenchanted Zune owners over to iPods. “It’s not their fault if some inconsiderate relative gave them a Zune for Christmas,” said Apple manager Phil ‘Don’t Call Be Bill’ Gates. “We’ll gladly let them trade the Zune for a dollar-off coupon on a new iPod. We’ll even throw in a left earbud if they buy the right and the plug.”

MENLO PARK, CA — Google, Inc. (motto: “We Know Everything About You – You Pervert!”) announced today that the Google Flu Trends web site has been accepted to Harvard Medical School. “Google Flu Trends knows more about influenza than any student we’ve ever had,” said Dr. Howard Finehoward, Dean of the Harvard Medical School. “That alone convinced us to waive our long-standing rule that Harvard medical students must be human or the descendant of a human Harvard med school graduate.”

The Google Flu Trends web site was developed with the help of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (motto: “Death To Dying!”) and is based on the number of Google search queries made about influenza. “When I designed the site, I never thought it would get accepted to med school,” said Paige Brinn, vice president of R&D&P (Research & Development & Pranks). “Engineering school, maybe, but not Harvard med school. My Jewish friends are SO jealous!”

Google Flu Trends tracks certain search terms that are good indicators of flu activity. These terms include “sneezing,” “vomiting,” “feel like I’m fixin’ to die,” “doctors who don’t lecture you for smoking” and “mommy.” “We’ve had over 100,000 searches in New Jersey for “Can snorting NyQuil hurt you?” said Brinn. “The CDC is rushing flu shots to Newark as we speak.”

Now that Google Flu Trends has broken down the barrier preventing web sites and software programs from entering med school, others are following suit. Johns Hopkins University reports receiving over 100 applications from iPhone apps, including one that is just a GPS tool to help hospital patients find the nearest bedpan. “We have high standards,” said a spokesperson for Johns Hopkins. “If iPhone apps want to become doctors, they should try an online school first.”