REDMOND, WA — Microsoft (motto: “Quit Complaining Or We’ll Bring Back DOS”) has unveiled its newest operating system, Windows 7, to replace Windows Vista, which itself is having a hard time replacing its predecessor, Windows XP. “We’re not admitting Vista has problems,” said Microsoft spokesperson Dawn Lode. “We just want to make up to our loyal users for those strange Seinfeld commercials.”

While Vista has enough serious problems that many XP users have refused to upgrade and new PC customers have paid a premium to stick with XP, there are a number of reasons you should consider staying with Vista.

1. Being one of the only Vista users makes you a “maverick.” It’s a lot easier than trying to stop Congressional earmarks.

2. With Vista gone, Apple will stop running the commercials with the Mac guy making fun of the PC guy. Sure, it picks on your OS, but is there anything funnier on TV?

3. You use the long start-up time to run five miles every morning. Don’t let your health suffer in the name of new technology.

4. You’re saving trees because Vista still doesn’t have a driver for your old printer. Don’t you have enough pictures of Pamela Anderson anyway?

5. The “User Access Control” constantly asking you if you really want to perform a task reminds you to call your mother. Did you call her today?

6. Windows Defender makes you feel safe. And you don’t believe the rumor that it lets Bill Gates see you sitting at your PC in your underwear.

7. Excruciatingly slow response time gives you time to consider your options before making tough decisions. Like whether you want to stick with Times New Roman or switch to Minya Nouvelle.

8. You like buying CDs. Who needs a credit card bill with 10 pages of 99 cent charges to iTunes?

9. You just painted your office walls Microsoft Blue. It doesn’t stop the blue screens but it keeps them from hurting your eyes.

10. You’re John Hodgman, the PC guy, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman gets all the movie roles for geeks. Not to mention Paul Giamatti.

Many web sites have discovered that one of the sure-fire ways to attract visitors is by providing free content and free “features” and “services”. It’s a business model that has served web sites well for the last few years. These web sites earn from the advertising that basically funds and subsidizes the But it looks like there is currently a shift ongoing that will change how web sites will earn profits.

Companies and web sites like LinkedIn Corp., ESPN (owned by Disney), and Skype Ltd. are now trying to increase their profits by adding in new features that its customers will have to pay for in order to use.

This increasingly popular method of earning profits is a reflection of the companies’ new views about making profits. They want to reduce their dependence on advertising. The new view is to entice customers and visitors to enter their web sites with compelling free content and then when they are hooked sell them premium services or subscriptions.

And there’s really a good reason to get more money from visitors. US consumers are expected to spend up to $8.55 billion on online content. That’s big bucks!

Mobile phone companies are earning a lot of money through its added services, particularly text messaging. Text messaging is the most used mobile phone feature right after voice calls. Actually, I think text messages are more commonly used rather than voice calls.

This doesn’t mean people should send text messages wherever they are. I’ve seen people texting even while driving, what seems to be a physical impossibility is being done with impunity by a lot of people. Thankfully, more rational minds are beginning to see the dangers of texting while driving.

US Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood wants to make it illegal to text while driving and he has publicly denounced the practice with the same level of gravity as drunk driving and wearing seatbelts.

About 16 percent of deadly crashes that happened in 2008 involved a driver whose attention was distracted in one way or another. This is an 11 percent increase from figures posted in 2005.

This is the right move to make. I’ve seen motorists who text while driving and they are road hazards. They’re so dangerous on the road that I want to shove their phones down their throats.

A friend of mine recently showed me the infamous HiPhone — the China-made iPhone clone that you just have to see to believe. It may not have the newfangled technologies that Apple’s iPhone may have but the HiPhone’s manufacturer really did a good job of imitating the whole look of Apple’s Jesus Phone. It will really dupe anyone especially seen from afar.

Which brings me to the whole point of this post. We all know that China is the world hub for imitation goods. Name the fake item and most likely it was manufactured in China. I think it would even be fair assumption that the whole underground economy of the country is firmly entrenched in bogus and fake goods. But what most people fail to realize that manufacturing counterfeit goods actually have a far more significant effect than just fueling China’s underground economy and the proliferation of fakes around the world. By reverse engineering all sorts of stuff, the Chinese are actually learning what makes each quality item tick, what makes it expensive and ultimately be able to actually learn the skills to manufacture something just as good (if not better, in the most extreme circumstances). I respectfully submit that this thriving industry of fakes is going to be the real force that will make China the undisputed world economic power.

Why do I say this? Well, it’s simple. What would stop the Chinese from actually learning the secrets and taking advantage of the technology transfer that happens when a big manufacturing company transfers its operations to China? What would prevent them, for example, to learn the ropes of aircraft manufacture from established leaders like Boeing and Airbus if these are contracted to Chinese factories? I won’t be surprised if, in a decade or two, we’ll start seeing Boing 868s and AirTaxi B400s flying the friendly skies.

Seems everybody is out for a gimmick to get their goods on the selling block with Honda coming up with their “doggie friendly car”. Honda is one of Japan’s leading automakers has introduced it’s Element Utility Vehicle with provisions for man’s best friend. Starting from a padded doggie seat, a water bowl, dog restraints and a fan all for their own use to cater to the many dog lovers in the US. Dogs have long been our constant companions and with this comes a very enticing package that allows you to take your dog with you on your vacation not having to worry about the poor guy when you do go on vacation. The seat restraints are there to act as seat belts for the Continue reading »

From thousands of free pizzas to Lemon Cola baptisms, the world is truly an interesting yet weird place to live in. First on the block, In Oslo Norway, baptisms were turned odd when the city’s water supply pipes froze and the priests at a baptismal ceremony were forced to use Lemon Cola as their symbol for holy Water. According to the faith, any liquid can be used for baptism in the absence of H2O to serve as the symbolic water which was used to baptize Christ.
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This was the response of Senator Chris Dodd, when he was repeatedly asked about the instances where bailout money was going into top executive bonuses (some were rumored to get $1million). Bonuses in a recession is truly crazy, but getting an answer that he deliberately included loopholes into the bailout laws (which by the way would be several hundred or so pages of mind boggling discussions, instruction and actions in legal wordings.) which was intended to help the economy and boost businesses like AIG. Unbeknownst to us ordinary folks, these crazy yet crafty business managers were issuing back-pay bonuses to their top executives with a little help from the government itself that had so strictly criticized the allotment of the taxpayer’s money for such purpose as the bailout, funny eh!
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Sour Apples are those that explode in your pocket and not in your mouth. Apple is being sued by a mother who says his son suffered second degree burns due to his iPod Touch exploding in his pants pocket claiming damages and attorney’s fees to the tune of a hundred thousand plus. Just can’t understand a child with an iPod Touch in school who may have had tons of stuff in his pockets that may have caused the burns. She takes the child to the hospital for treatment that came out to $15.00, with a few bucks for the pants and the underwear which also suffered. Why $100,000 +, well the lawyer seems to want the company to pay for the mental anguish the child is to go through Continue reading »

Seems the public can’t get enough of the new President, call it infatuation or whatever, he seems to attract everybody’s attention whatever he does. From his favorite soft drink, his blackberry to the family’s dogs, everybody has an opinion. The first family has suddenly been thrust into the celebrity status that comes with the position at the helm of the worlds most powerful, most damaged by the recession and most gun related incidents of a country. From desperate people Continue reading »

A group in India has announced plans to build and market a $20 laptop computer, making it cheaper than the $100 Children’s Machine designed by MIT, the $200-$400 EeePC made by Taiwan’s Asustek and the $300 “Don’t Ask Why It’s Dented, Do You Want It Or Not?” PC from my neighbor who sells steaks out of his trunk. The name of the new cheap laptop is the “Sakshat,” which is Indian for “Crapple.”

Leave it to India, the makers of the $2,000 car and the 50-cent national sewage system, to come up with a netbook that even people who were laid off when they’re jobs got outsourced to India can afford. Who cares if it’s immediately obsolete? At that price, they can buy a new one every week and still have money left over for cool new Indian computer games like Grand Theft Brahma and Sim Slum.

The Sakshat was developed and financed jointly by the Indian Institute of Science, the Indian Institute of Technology and the Indian Institute of Nuns Who Got Rich Selling Mother Teresa Souvenirs. It has 2Gb of RAM, wireless connectivity and folds up to make a handy coaster. A prototype was demonstrated at an electronics trade show in India. At about the same time the Sakshat was powered up, a curtain was ripped in half at Microsoft headquarters in Redmond and a MacBook Air with voice recognition software being tested at Apple headquarters in Cupertino suddenly began speaking in tongues.

India’s secretary of secondary and higher education said that, although the initial cost of the Sakshat is about $20 a unit, he expects the price to fall. At about that time, Michael Dell reportedly clutched his chest, looked skyward and cried, “This is the big one, Lizabeth!” The initial target audience for the Sakshat is the 550 million Indians under the age of 25 who need to learn computer skills to compete in the global market and study to win on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.”

This is why the $20 laptop must be stopped. Once they have their cheap computers, Indians will use them to build a bridge across the Pacific on which they will drive their $2,000 cars to America and buy our foreclosed houses. Before we know it, the Oscar will go to an Indian movie, all-American condiments like ketchup and salsa will be replaced by curry and the Cleveland Indians will be moved to Calcutta. HP, Dell and Apple will be forced to merge into one failing computer company called GMPC.

Email, call or Twitter your Congressional representatives and tell them to stop the Sakshat before it’s too late. Suggest distracting India from its goal by giving Google a chunk of the $800 billion bailout to redirect all searches made in India to porn sites featuring well-endowed Indian men and female snake charmers. Do it today!