…who may or may not have a clue about how to run a business.

Dear Employees,

We’ve had a banner year. It’s great to lead such a motivated team that does whatever it takes to get the job done.

That being said, I’d like to remind everybody about our vacation policy. Most of you have two weeks…that includes vacation days, personal days, and sick days. If you’re going to be out, I’m going to need, at least, a two-week notice. Obviously, there are exceptions–you don’t always know when you’re going to be sick. But a doctor’s note will do just fine as long as you can hand it over for your personal file within 24 hours of returning to work. Continue reading »

Need to know that the economy is doing bad.. really bad? Well get this budding entrepreneur who found a very innovative way to sell of all things, coffee. Take a drive last year into the business district and you’ll surely see coffee shops at every street corner. Now that the recession’s here, many have closed shop or trimmed branches for they just had to. Major brands have first been beaten by unknown brands that not only taste better but cost less. Now this guy opens his coffee shop, gets a couple of servers and in comes customers in groves, he earns a lot of money but ends up in controversy. The coffee shop has this posted outside :

“Over 18 Only.” another sign says, “No cameras, No touching, CASH Only.”

Continue reading »

Talk about the lack of control and forward thinking, in the UK, health officials released a drug-dependent schizophrenic on the grounds that his out-patient treatment would be monitored by health servicemen that just didn’t happen. The outcome, the drug-laden man goes on a rampage eventually killing a police officer in the process before being stopped by other police officers. The man was released to care for himself, expected to take all his necessary medication with NHS people supposedly to go check in on him regularly for progress and evaluation of his case. He misses his scheduled check-ups, eludes health officials who by the way fail to inform the police that a dangerous man is at large which could have gotten him back into custody for his and the general public’s safety. Continue reading »

The housing market crash that is currently bringing chaos to the many homeowners who stand to lose their homes even with the ton’s of bailout money the government is shelling out is far from over. From the idiots at wall street and the banking sector who conjured out home packages that required no collateral to the very top levels of the housing market giants, Freddie and Fannie who are two of the biggest players in the housing industry they all benefited from the billions of dollars that the market earned. To make matter worse, all the watchdogs watching the watchdogs all knew this was happening and they simply looked the other way, till the market crashed and everybody started pointing fingers at everybody else. Continue reading »

From thousands of free pizzas to Lemon Cola baptisms, the world is truly an interesting yet weird place to live in. First on the block, In Oslo Norway, baptisms were turned odd when the city’s water supply pipes froze and the priests at a baptismal ceremony were forced to use Lemon Cola as their symbol for holy Water. According to the faith, any liquid can be used for baptism in the absence of H2O to serve as the symbolic water which was used to baptize Christ.
Continue reading »

The Economy is on the rocks and the American public is pissed off at the unreasonable AIG executives who have not yet returned their million dollar bonuses. Such is the anger of the people that opposition groups have been trying to organize tours of their properties to showcase their utter ignorance of the shape the economy is. From million dollar homes, yachts, cars and more, they have it all and are part of the tour should it push through. Continue reading »

WASHINGTON, DC — After imposing a $500,000 pay cap on some senior executives whose firms receive government financial rescue money, President Barack Obama admitted that this punishment may not be strong enough to change their ways and hinted that more severe punishments may be considered. An unnamed source inside the White House whose name rhymes with “pillory” and is known to be an expert on the use of cruel and unusual punishments to get her his or her way has leaked the following list of “CEO Convincers” awaiting the president’s signature:

• Sit in a dunk tank with basketballs being thrown from three feet away by foreclosed mortgagers.

• Enter the Witness Protection Program and have your new identity be Bernie Madoff.

• Walk a plank attached to a corporate yacht sitting in a naval scrap yard.

• Hang for 24 hours from manacles forged to look like Rolex watches.

• Spend twelve hours flying in a corporate jet with a screaming baby.

• Swirlie in a $35,000 toilet.

• One hour in an iron maiden with the spikes replaced with Mont Blanc pens.

• Hanging wedgie from the horn of the bull statue on Wall Street.

• Wine-boarding, starting with the oldest bottles from his personal wine cellar.

• Trophy wife replaced by first wife.

WASHINGTON, DC — Eager to right the struggling economy, President-elect Barack Obama unveiled a $700 billion stimulus plan designed to create 3 million new Steve Jobs over the next two years. “American innovation, ingenuity and looking good in jeans is what makes this country great,” Obama said. “No one embodies that spirit more than Steve Jobs.”

The co-founder of Apple, Inc., Steve Jobs’ leadership has led to the Macintosh, the iPod and TV commercials that viewers actually watch. Obama’s new “Jobs’ Jobs” plan calls for replicating Steve’s DNA and injecting it into 3 million unemployed Americans, producing exact copies, or iClones, of the mercurial CEO. These new Jobs are expected to invigorate every American industry, from technology to cars to razors that leave a sexy stubble.

“Consumer confidence and enthusiasm will never be higher. Americans will celebrate the unveiling of the wireless stapler, and they’ll stand in lines for days at the grocery store to buy iCorn,” Obama said.

The clothing industry has already received a boost due to unprecedented demand for black mock-turtleneck shirts and blue jeans with adjustable shrinking waistbands. Psychologists also expect an increase in clients when the Jobs iClones become smug, vain and vindictive fast food restaurant managers.

Republicans initially decried these government-created Jobs, saying the Apple CEO’s micromanaging style reflects Democrats’ desire for more invasive government. However, Jobs won over key legislators with a riveting speech on the House floor, during which he unveiled the first embryonic iClone, as well as the iHeart, a pacemaker that will synchronize a person’s heartbeat to his or her favorite song. “I live-blogged the whole thing,” said Rep. Jeff Fortenberry (R) of Nebraska following a five-minute standing ovation for Jobs. “Simply phenomenal. I would take a bullet for that man.”

Jobs admits he was hesitant at first about being used as the template for a new race of visionary assholes. What finally convinced him? “When the president of the United States looks you in the eye and says, ‘Do you want to sell portable jukeboxes for the rest of your life, or do you want to change the world into your own graven image?’ you listen.” Later in the interview, Jobs claimed the whole idea was his from the beginning.

Before returning to his home in Silicon Valley, Jobs will stop at a government lab to provide additional DNA samples. “Good artists copy, great artists steal,” Jobs said. “I think this is a little bit of both.”