Remember when Chrysler announced it is closing all 30 of its manufacturing plants for a month in an attempt to counter the most severe downturn in U.S. auto sales in more than two decades? Gee, it wasn’t that long ago that everyone from President Bush down to lonely barbers thought that “cut-and-run” was a bad idea. Isn’t there something Chrysler can do with these plants while they’re idle to make some cash on the side and avoid being the biggest automotive embarrassment since the show ‘Pimp My Yugo’? As a favor to help Chrysler dodge a bullet, here are fifteen things it can do to make money with these buildings (I hope they remember this when I’m ready to trade in my Prius):

Temporary holding cell for Bernie Madoff, Rod Blagojevich and Plaxico Burress.

Place for the Detroit Lions to hide until the season is over.

Factory for making lead Hot Wheels toys to send to China.

Retraining center for CEOs about to become janitors.

Reception hall for the next Smith family reunion.

Distillery for turning unused ethanol back into corn mash whisky.

Recycling center for converting Hummers into mobile homes.

Storage for unsold copies of Sarah Palin’s biography.

Oven for cremating Christmas fruitcakes.

Arena Football Hall of Fame.

Movie studio for filming “Doctor Detroit II: Being A Ho’s Not So Bad Now.”

Tracks for indoor NASCAR series.

Factory for turning corporate jets into hybrids.

Closet for Cher.

Museum for Dinosaurs and Union Jobs.

Ever find yourself daydreaming about cocktail hour when you’re supposed to be listening to a colleague’s strategic plans for leveraging online initiatives to gain greater market share?

Before you know it, they’re throwing around words like “paradigm” and three letter acronyms like SEO. You’re standing in the hallway stuck between your office and another cup of coffee while they go on and on and on.

Whether you’re bored to tears or completely clueless, you can easily feign interest and acumen on any given business topic with just the right selection of well-timed phrases.

To help you through inordinately long and yawn-inducing office conversations, we put together a quick list of comments that can: 1.) offer an insightful perspective, and 2.) bring the conversation to a swift end. Continue reading »

…who may or may not have a clue about how to run a business.

Dear Employees,

We’ve had a banner year. It’s great to lead such a motivated team that does whatever it takes to get the job done.

That being said, I’d like to remind everybody about our vacation policy. Most of you have two weeks…that includes vacation days, personal days, and sick days. If you’re going to be out, I’m going to need, at least, a two-week notice. Obviously, there are exceptions–you don’t always know when you’re going to be sick. But a doctor’s note will do just fine as long as you can hand it over for your personal file within 24 hours of returning to work. Continue reading »

Often times, colleagues are too busy doing their jobs to recognize just how important you are. They fail to get your input on the latest big project or leave you out of a luncheon with your company’s biggest client.

Not only is this frustrating, it’s an attack on your ego and should be taken personally.

Here are ten quick ways to exert your power within your office and gain the respect you deserve from colleagues: Continue reading »

L’Oreal is one of the top cosmetics companies in the world. The French company owns a wide range of brands — Shue Uemura, Maybelline, Lancome, Kiehl’s and Garnier. L’Oreal is a big player in the cosmetics industry so it goes without saying anything it does will be closely scrutinized. And, let’s face it, in a business as shallow as beauty, you’d think it will be easy to avoid certain pitfalls. Unfortunately, the guys at L’Oreal are too engrossed on what they consider as “beauty” that they don’t even realize these pitfalls even if it’s already staring them in the face.

Just recently, L’Oreal was found guilty of racial discrimination by the French Supreme Court. The conviction stems from the company’s policy that Garnier sales staff should be “bleu, blanc, rouge” — the colors of the French flag but also the company’s code for white French people. What were they thinking? That people won’t likely buy lipstick from a person who’s not white? It’s just stupid beyond words. How can they even think their bottomline can be affected by the ethnicity of the sale staff. I want to buy hairgel, I won’t care if the salesperson’s from Mars, okay, I probably would, but only in so much as I’d want to strike up a conversation with a person from another planet.

In this day and age, it’s quite shocking that a company as progressive as L’Oreal would still propagate discrimination. It just reeks of bad taste offensiveness. I mean, the French has been described as rude and aloof but, I don’t believe they’re racist. L’Oreal is giving the French people a bad reputation.

Come on, L’Oreal guys! I think you know that beauty is not just skin deep. Merde!

Talk about the lack of control and forward thinking, in the UK, health officials released a drug-dependent schizophrenic on the grounds that his out-patient treatment would be monitored by health servicemen that just didn’t happen. The outcome, the drug-laden man goes on a rampage eventually killing a police officer in the process before being stopped by other police officers. The man was released to care for himself, expected to take all his necessary medication with NHS people supposedly to go check in on him regularly for progress and evaluation of his case. He misses his scheduled check-ups, eludes health officials who by the way fail to inform the police that a dangerous man is at large which could have gotten him back into custody for his and the general public’s safety. Continue reading »

The housing market crash that is currently bringing chaos to the many homeowners who stand to lose their homes even with the ton’s of bailout money the government is shelling out is far from over. From the idiots at wall street and the banking sector who conjured out home packages that required no collateral to the very top levels of the housing market giants, Freddie and Fannie who are two of the biggest players in the housing industry they all benefited from the billions of dollars that the market earned. To make matter worse, all the watchdogs watching the watchdogs all knew this was happening and they simply looked the other way, till the market crashed and everybody started pointing fingers at everybody else. Continue reading »

From Arizona, not that customs officials didn;t appreciate art but the find they got was truly one to behold, 90 pounds of marijuana stuffed into the frames of several paintings that was supposed to be smuggled into the US. The daring ploy to smuggle the drugs almost succeeded till a nosy dog put his nose on something within the designated art that was enough cause for further examination and viola, x-ray reveals the marijuana leaves contained within the frames, sending the man into custody wasting seemingly very good art and very good frames. Just goes to show you that the need for cash makes people do stupid things.
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From thousands of free pizzas to Lemon Cola baptisms, the world is truly an interesting yet weird place to live in. First on the block, In Oslo Norway, baptisms were turned odd when the city’s water supply pipes froze and the priests at a baptismal ceremony were forced to use Lemon Cola as their symbol for holy Water. According to the faith, any liquid can be used for baptism in the absence of H2O to serve as the symbolic water which was used to baptize Christ.
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The Economy is on the rocks and the American public is pissed off at the unreasonable AIG executives who have not yet returned their million dollar bonuses. Such is the anger of the people that opposition groups have been trying to organize tours of their properties to showcase their utter ignorance of the shape the economy is. From million dollar homes, yachts, cars and more, they have it all and are part of the tour should it push through. Continue reading »