Just because the economy’s not booming doesn’t mean you can afford to scrimp on your wardrobe.

• Buy suits or slacks and jackets in neutral colors like black, gray and beige. This will ensure you will fit in a variety of work environments as it’s likely you will need to work several jobs to make ends meet.
• Have fun with shirts. Make sure you have button-downs and polo shirts for the office, and don’t forget some sturdy denim or corduroy for dumpster diving and building makeshift shelters.
• Add some pizazz with a sweater or vest in lightweight wool. With your insurance you can’t afford to catch a chill.
• Keep one or two heavy sweaters around for the end of the month when you’ll be walking to work. Gas isn’t getting any cheaper you know.
• Leather loafers work well in a variety of environments. Payless Shoes makes a nice leather-look alternative.
• A good-quality trench coat can take you anywhere, especially to interviews for new jobs.
• Don’t forget to express yourself with a fun tie. That’s the type of thing that could get you promoted to Assistant Manager on the night shift at Taco Bell.

Most important, recession or not, buy the very best underwear you can afford. You never know when opportunity will knock – and you can use the extra cash.

If you’re like me (and if you are, let me just warn you ahead of time that therapy doesn’t help), you read the story about John Thain (former Merrill Lynch CEO who sold the company to Bank of America for $50 billion and a Senate seat to be named later) spending $35,000 on a toilet for his office and you thought, “Are you kidding me? Where can I get one of those?”

This top-of-the line toilet is one of a kind and its purchase was probably not covered by any home or contents insurance premium. Why Mr. Thain purchased it might be mind-boggling and absurd to many. But it’s definite that he had something in mind when he bought this fancy bathroom fixture. A toilet that costs $35,000 may seem like an extravagance, but anyone trying to sell real estate in this market knows that the commode is the one part of an office or dwelling that not only holds its value, it can actually increase the total selling price, especially if the potential buyer “makes a big deposit” while looking and doesn’t have to flush twice, jiggle the handle or attempt to improvise a plunger out of a toothbrush and a Dixie cup.

So, what exactly did John Thain get for his $35,000? Here’s a list of features on his classy commode that will make any plumber crack a smile wider than the smile cracking from his coveralls:

Direct input pipeline to a fresh mountain spring.

Direct output pipeline to a secret sanitation plant that searches for jewelry accidentally dropped in.

Special fast flush option for pharmaceutical emergencies.

Antique 1400-year-old porcelain bowl from the Dung Dynasty.

Bidet for visits from trophy girlfriend.

Disappearing bidet for visits from wife.

Bark-operated seat lifter so pet dog can drink.

Purr-operated lid-lowering option for when wife’s cat tries to use it.

Self-jiggling handle.

Score-keeping display for game of aiming stream at target on bottom of bowl.

Rolls of paper made from recycled subprime mortgages.

Verified autograph and inspection sticker from Joe the Plumber.

In an interview after asking Congress for a “stand-by line of credit” that he hopes he won’t have to tap, Ford CEO Alan Mulally said he’d work for $1 per year if his firm had to take any of the government loan money. Based on the trouble the auto industry is in, that’s probably what the board at Ford should be paying him already. In addition to the CEOs of General Motors and Chrysler, here’s a few more grossly overpaid people whose salaries should be reduced to the buck they’re worth:

Donald Trump: make it two bucks so he can still get his hair cut.

Dr. Phil McGraw: he can use the buck to ride the bus to the next psych ward Britney checks into.

Rachael Ray: roll it in a ball and stuff it in her mouth … please!

Katie Couric: give it to her in nice shiny perky dimes.

Simon Cowell: it’s what he’s earned so far on Taylor Hicks.

David Beckham: he should give it to the first person who can guess what sport he plays.

Leslie Moonves, CBS CEO: for making us watch another season of “Survivor”

Alex Rodriguez: get a loan from Madonna.

Lance Armstrong: for dumping Kate Hudson.

Oprah Winfrey: a buck every year until she gives the entire country a car.

Tom Cruise: stick over your other eye.

Bill Gates: the profit generated so far by Vista

The Walton family: what they spend on health care for part-time Wal-Mart employees.

Mark Cuban: better save it to buy smokes in prison.

Michael Phelps: just because he can eat all that junk food and not gain weight.

With public transportation ridership surging due to the recession, many upper-middle-class Americans are riding buses and trains for the first time since that one day in fourth grade when daddy’s chauffer called in sick, the maid was hiding from INS and mommy couldn’t bear to be seen at school driving last year’s Mercedes. While taking public transportation saves money and is better for the environment than flying a private jet 10 miles to avoid driving through “those” neighborhoods, it can be dangerous to board without knowing the unwritten rules of bus and train riding. To help you avoid getting stabbed with an umbrella, bitten by the man who lives in the back row or dumped off in a dark alley by a driver who doesn’t recognize you from the 2005 Forbes 500, here are some Etiquette Rules For Public Transportation:

It’s called a bus “shelter,” not a shanty or cell or outhouse — no matter how much it may smell like any of them.

Running to catch a bus is OK — flagging down a cop to stop it for you is not.

If you lack the correct change, don’t hold things up by trying to convince the driver to take your company’s stock.

Never sit next to a woman holding a baby — she may have just changed it on the seat.

If you step on someone’s foot, apologize in every language you know until you get a nod back.

Unless it’s the kind you need for your colon, don’t put your bag on the empty seat next to you.

Hand sanitizer is for your hands — not the seat, the floor, the window or the passenger next to you.

The window does not open — it’s better to sweat than ask another passenger to blow on you.

If you don’t want it to be placed between two slices of bread and fed to you, don’t talk on your cell phone.

Even if you have a note from your doctor, pregnant women will still kick your butt for a seat.

Never speak to the person next to you unless he says, “Do you want to live?”

If you are standing and your crotch is in the face of someone sitting, it’s better to move before your fantasy becomes obvious to her or the other passengers.

If you’re sitting and the crotch of someone standing is in your face, avoid all urges to lick your lips.

If the bus is crowded and your stop is approaching, “Excuse me” works better than “I’m wearing a bomb!”

If you miss your stop, don’t blame the driver unless you know for certain the recession is ending tomorrow and you don’t need any more rides.

Has the $700 billion fiscal bailout trickled down to your balloon-mortgaged soon-to-be-foreclosed-and-not-that-nice-looking-anyway house? While checking the really fine print with our Hubble magnifying glass, we found a provision in the bailout for the little financially-challenged people like you based on the smallest unit of bailout measurements — the bucket.

Step One – Buy a bucket.

We’re not talking one of those cute little numbers your kids take to the beach. (Who are we kidding? There aren’t going to be any more beach vacations.) Get yourself an all-American ten gallon industrial pail.

Step Two – Take the bucket to your bank.

We know you don’t have much in that measly little savings account where you deposit those birthday checks from Grandma like she tells you to, but your need isn’t amount — it’s volume. Fill the bucket with as many pennies as your out-of-shape-because-you-can’t-afford-the-gym-anymore body can carry.

Step Three – Lug the bucket to your creditors.

The pitiful sight of you and your bucket full of pennies should be enough for most creditors to either cancel your debt or at least postpone it until you can come back with a bucket full of quarters. Besides, nobody wants pennies anymore anyway, except …

Step Four – Recycle the pennies.

While distracted by the bailout, the Treasury Department failed to notice that the price of the copper used to make pennies is more than the measly value of the coins themselves (sorry, Abe). Lug you bucket to the nearest copper recycler where you’ll promptly double your money and remove that aching pain in your shoulder.

Step Five – Celebrate and make even more money.

Use your rational exuberance to make even more money with your bailout bucket. Flip it over and play a happy song about the joys of capitalism (“I Want Money” is a good one). Put the cash from the recycler in a cup in front of you and watch your money grow as guilt-ridden investment bankers drop in a few coins from their own $700 billion bailout. See, trickle-down is working!

With just a bucket and some determination, you’ll come through this thing just fine!

10. At your office, “walking on hot coals” is not a fun team-building motivational exercise, nor is it an acceptable excuse for leaving your desk early when the building is on fire.

9. On “The Office,” the food served at office parties has the vending machine wrappers removed.

8. At your office, the temps make more than you do even before they get promoted to your boss’ job.

7. On “The Office,” putting a co-worker’s phone in a block of Jell-o does not end in crying, bloodshed or a rush to the hospital with a secretary suffering from a lime allergy.

6. The inflatable doll belonging to the warehouse guys in your office does not have lunchroom privileges.

5. On “The Office,” doing crossword puzzles during meetings is a sign of rebellion, not a feeble attempt to hide the fact that you’re the only person without a Blackberry to text your friends.

4. In your office, being the only sane person is grounds for termination.

3. On “The Office,” looking over someone’s shoulder at their computer screen never ends with the words, “Can someone help me find my eyeball?”

2. At your office, the only time you get invited to a party at a senior executive’s house is when he can’t get an ice sculpture.

1. On “The Office,” office inter-employee romances are not only allowed, they’re encouraged, debated and occasionally wagered on.

WASHINGTON, DC – When he’s not busy lowering interest rates, bailing out financial institutions or making ceramic piggy banks with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is overseeing the young men who would like to date his daughter, Anna. Like all dads, Ben is concerned about what might happen on these dates, which is why he came up with his 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter. The rules are so popular among his Washington colleagues with daughters, Bernanke is considering developing them into a sitcom pilot for the Fox Business Channel.

When young Republican men enter the foyer of the Bernanke home, they come face-to-face with two stone tablets containing the following Bernanke rules:

1. If you pull in my driveway in anything but a limo, it better be a private jet.

2. You may not touch my daughter in front of me unless it’s to hand her a copy of your financial statement.

3. You must wear a dark suit at all times, even to the beach. You can only take it off to save a drowning banker.

4. When it comes to sex, think of my daughter as a Swiss bank and you as someone who shops at the grocery store with coupons.

5. If you think the late fees on your American Express Centurion Card are atrocious, wait until you see the fee for bringing my daughter home late.

6. If my daughter comes home crying, it better be because you took her to a sad movie about Democrats taking over Congress.

7. While waiting for my daughter to make her grand entrance, don’t fidget or bother me with questions. Nothing drops faster than my interest rate in you.

8. You may only take my daughter to noisy crowded public places where there are no places to have sex. One of my favorite spots to take her mother was the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.

Tiger Woods sure is having a really bad time of late.

Of course, everyone now knows the trouble he’s had with his wife because of his serial infidelity — and his wife has redefined the use of a golf club.

But more than the bump on the head and the humiliation that followed suit, Tiger Woods’ reputation has been tarnished and this is affecting his bottomline. How? His endorsements are now jeopardized.

Companies hire celebrities and sports superstars to hawk their products because they want to ride on these people’s reputation and image. The better the image, the better the effect of the endorsements. Tiger’s troubles are not helping his reputation at all and the companies that hired him are realizing that they should cut their losses as soon as a possible. Accenture has already announced that they have ended their relationship with the superstar golfer. Gillette has also released a statement that they have suspended his endorsement deal.

Woods’ troubles means lost revenues for him and maybe, just maybe, companies will also realize that putting their reputations at stake by hiring people is not really a good strategy.

Golf champion Tiger Woods no longer represents global consulting and technology services firm Accenture, as of December 13. Accenture is the first of Woods’ corporate sponsors to pull out of the relationship completely. A day earlier, Gillette announced a suspension of Woods’ marketing appearances for an unspecified period.

For anyone missing two weeks of headlines, here’s a recap. Golf champion Woods crashed his car near his Florida home after what appeared to be a major league (oops, wrong sport) fight with his wife over alleged infidelities. At first Woods denied any marital misconduct, using the first line of defense of many public figures caught in a sand trap, which was to lie about it. Then other women surfaced with firm evidence of Woods’ affairs, for a total of 13, and Woods told the world that he had made mistakes. On December 11, he announced he is taking a mega-mulligan — a leave of absence from golf to repair his marriage.

Though Accenture doesn’t sell anything to consumers, it put itself in the public eye with its “Go ahead, be a Tiger” ad campaign. Working for Accenture since 2004, Woods seemed a plausible long-term choice. His consistently stellar athletic achievements and mixed racial heritage symbolize the best of a global economy. Now his departure could mark a seismic shift in corporate branding and marketing approaches.

To any art patron, the names of Jean Michel Basquiat and Andy Warhol are enough to illicit excitement. The artworks of two of the world’s most talented post-modern artists are highly sought after and the moment any of their works are put up for sale, it’s sure to get sold immediately.

That is, if there’s no global financial crisis to worry about. In a recent auction held at Christie’s New York, artworks by both Basquiat and Warhol were left unsold. It sounds unprecendented to me especially since these are pieces that would usually command great prices and a feeding frenzy from art patrons around the world. Basquiat and Warhol not selling just means that even the filthy rich are also working on a budget right now. I dunno if this realization makes me feel better or bad.

Because of the shrinking Japanese economy brought about the global financial crisis, the Japanese are now beginning to feel the pinch and are making some drastic changes in their lifestyle — namely, scrimping up on luxury brands.

Japan’s economy has shrunk by 5.7 percent this year and because of this spending on luxury items in the country is likely to drop to 14 percent or $28. billion from a high of $22 billion in 2005 and 2006.

The Japanese are very brand conscious and most of the top-tier designer brands in the world have flagship stores in Japan. But because of the belt tightening measures that everybody seems to be doing, the Japanese are doing it to. They’re probably not using Gucci belts for their own belt tightening.

Analysts think that this downtrend will continue for a couple more years, which now means the Japanese will have to forego their Chanels and Vuittons for a few more years.