As if the economy can’t get any worse, with the AIG execs getting their butt’s kicked by the public and lawmakers and the toilet torcher of the previous post, seems people are getting more and more desperate as they try to save and earn money. In one case, a bank robber who definitely needs cash robs a bank, is trailed by police to find him in another bank in the process of again robbing it. Continue reading »
This was the response of Senator Chris Dodd, when he was repeatedly asked about the instances where bailout money was going into top executive bonuses (some were rumored to get $1million). Bonuses in a recession is truly crazy, but getting an answer that he deliberately included loopholes into the bailout laws (which by the way would be several hundred or so pages of mind boggling discussions, instruction and actions in legal wordings.) which was intended to help the economy and boost businesses like AIG. Unbeknownst to us ordinary folks, these crazy yet crafty business managers were issuing back-pay bonuses to their top executives with a little help from the government itself that had so strictly criticized the allotment of the taxpayer’s money for such purpose as the bailout, funny eh!
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For anyone who loathe doing the paperwork, Shoeboxed is the perfect companion.
BOISE, ID – Waldo S. Ware, newly-elected commissioner of the U.S. Professional Scavenger Hunt League (motto: “Do You Know Where I Can Find A Coconut Bra?”) announced today that mobile searches will be banned from league play staring with the 2009 season. “Mobile Searches are the worst scandal to hit our sport since Indian star Raja Klemuns tested positive for curry-based steroids.”
The U .S. Professional Scavenger Hunt League was established in 2008 to give small cities a chance to host a professional sports team without having to build a stadium, a sports complex or a bowling alley. Charter franchises were awarded to Boise, Idaho, Old Hickory, Tennessee, Cut-and-Shoot, Texas, and Eagle Butte, South Dakota. Cities that have lost sports franchises or are upset with their current teams are also under consideration, giving hope to Los Angeles and Detroit. The Scavenger Hunt Championship, called the Snooer Bowl, will be held in September in Egg Harbor City, New Jersey,
Ware first learned about cell-phone-initiated mobile searches on the Internet while looking for new items to add to the scavenger lists for the upcoming season. “I googled ‘hard-to-find stuff’ and up popped this site explaining Yahoo’s One Search , Google’s Mobile Search and Microsoft Live Mobile,” said Ware. “If a scavenger hunter can use his or her cell phone to quickly find the nearest store selling left-handed screwdrivers or mustache blow-dryers, I’d call that an unfair advantage. You know, like being born Yao Ming.”
To prevent scavenger hunters from using illegal mobile searches, the league will conduct random tests for iPhones, Blackberries and Android systems. Players caught with these devices will be suspended for one game. Players caught with dial telephones will not be penalized since they’re on the scavenger list.
Yahoo and Google refused to comment on the ban. Microsoft announced it would cancel commercials planned for broadcasts of U.S. Professional Scavenger Hunt League games and would apply the $12.95 to a Super Bowl ad.
Hoping to make a game-changing cabinet appointment, Republican presidential candidate John McCain vowed that if he wins in November, he will name billionaire industrialist and Gotham City socialite Bruce Wayne as the new Treasury Secretary.
McCain introduced Wayne at a rally in Gotham City before an enthusiastic but confused crowd. “Most people only know Bruce Wayne from what they read in the tabloids,” McCain said. “But trust me, my friends, there’s a lot more to Bruce Wayne than meets the eye.” McCain then smiled and winked, eliciting an irritated look from Sarah Palin.
Wayne, who has no governmental or political experience of any kind, is the owner of multi-billion dollar corporation Wayne Enterprises. However, Wayne admitted he has little do to with the company’s day-to-day activities, focusing his energy instead on “various other endeavors.”
Democratic nominee Barack Obama derided the announcement as a desperate move. “The only thing Bruce Wayne knows about economics is frittering away his family fortune. Gotham is the most corrupt city in America, and Wayne hasn’t lifted a finger to fix it. Our economy needs a hero—someone tough, someone not afraid to fight the greed and corruption on Wall Street. Unless Senator McCain knows something we don’t about Mr. Wayne, bad guys will continue to make off with all our money.”
Wayne appeared relaxed and slightly intoxicated as he fielded questions about the announcement. The engagement was cut short, though, when Wayne appeared distracted by something outside a second-story window. His face became gravely serious as he said in a rumbling voice, “I must go.”
A recent Gallup poll indicated the announcement has made up some of the ground lost following the McCain campaign’s botched attempt at naming a Surgeon General, disgraced former psychiatrist Dr. Jonathan “The Scarecrow” Crane. Crane will begin serving a twenty-year prison sentence for drug trafficking once he recovers from a vicious beating delivered by a masked vigilante in Gotham City.
SIOUX CITY — Hot on the heels of Timothy Ferriss’s popular Four Hour Work Week, a new business tome promises better. Not a Minute Longer, by Shannon Bailey spells out a plan for working a maximum of four minutes a week.
“Who’s got four hours to work?” asked Bailey, who wrote the book with the help of a ghostwriter who she admits may have worked more than four minutes a week while writing the book. “But at four cents and hour, you can afford to outsource.”
Bailey’s plan includes socking away several million dollars, because collected interest consumes very little time. “When you have enough money, everything can be delegated.”
New York – Wall Street spiraled lower for the second straight session Wednesday as record-high oil prices and a poor report from the Federal Reserve deepened investors’ worry that other investors would become worried.
“It absolutely scares the hell out of us when we start thinking about how scared other traders must be getting. It captures the tug-of-war between the two things that move stock prices, fear and greed…and crystallizes how different those two things are,” said Bob Tsongus, chief investment strategist for MissionBeta Capital. “I mean, obviously none of us have any idea what these companies are really worth. It’s more like a game of hot potato. And let me tell you, this potato is really really hot. Or cold, whatever.” Continue reading »
Rusty Grove, OH – With the price of a barrel of crude oil approaching $130, it’s not hard to see why thousands of wanna-be oil barons are flocking to the small Cleveland suburb of Rusty Grove and forking over $500 for a seat in a seminar called “How To Start Your Own Home-Based Oil Business” put on by Harold “Don’t Call Me Crude” Solowski, the self-proclaimed “Sheik of Shaker Heights.”
Solowski knows why the crowd is there. “Who wants to live in house with a snow machine in the attic so you can ski all year round? How would you like to drive a Rolls Royce to the bowling alley? Wanna see my titanium American Express card? That’s what oil can do for you!” Continue reading »
