From thousands of free pizzas to Lemon Cola baptisms, the world is truly an interesting yet weird place to live in. First on the block, In Oslo Norway, baptisms were turned odd when the city’s water supply pipes froze and the priests at a baptismal ceremony were forced to use Lemon Cola as their symbol for holy Water. According to the faith, any liquid can be used for baptism in the absence of H2O to serve as the symbolic water which was used to baptize Christ.
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With NBC’s announcement that Jay Leno will host a five-nights-a-week talk show in prime time once he steps down to be replaced by Conan O’Brien in 2009, economists are predicting that talk shows will be the next growth industry. “Talk shows are the least expensive programs for a network to produce,” said Milt E. Uncal, industry analyst. “Except for anything hosted by Rosie O’Donnell.”

“Any monkey with a bad haircut can host a talk show,” said David Letterman. “I’ve proven that.” Letterman was speaking at a press conference announcing that CBS is expanding his duties to include hosting a daily prime time business news and comedy show called “Will It Float A Loan?” “Dave is always ahead of business trends,” said CBS spokesperson Phil O’Farnsworth. “A year ago he did the “Top Ten Signs GM Isn’t Worth A Buck” and “Top Ten Worst Excuses For Giving Yourself A $50 Million Bonus.”

The surge in talk show opportunities does not necessarily mean that competition will lead to quality. ABC is dangling the hour after “Desperate Housewives” to anyone who used to be on “Saturday Night Live,” including the black, Hispanic and female performers no one remembers. “I’m thinking “Show In Someone’s Basement,”” said Allen Steves, a young mailroom clerk recently promoted to head of development at ABC who just started watching SNL this season.

Soap operas are also in danger of being priced out of the market by cheap daytime talk shows. Barbara Walters is considering breaking up “The View” into five separate shows called “The White View,” “The Black View,” “The Gay View,” “The Washed-Up Comedian’s View” and “The Sarah Palin Show.” Regis Philbin, already owning the record ofr the most hours on television, is working with the producers of “Dancing With The Stars” to find washed-up stars he can co-host with. Shows being considered are “Live With Regis & Jennie Garth,” “Live With Regis & Some Volleyball Player” and “Barely Live With Regis & Cloris Leachman.”

Are you a plumber upset by the sudden competition for all those lucrative pipe snakings? Maybe you’ve lost your seven-figure salary due to some ‘off balance sheet’ accounting. While things may look bleak, there are plenty of jobs to be had by the industrious. According to the Association for American Opportunists, here are five high paying jobs you can get now.

Arsonist
While torching soon-to-be foreclosed homes and cars may seem like a no-brainer, many people just don’t have the stomach for it. That’s where you come in. As a professional arsonist you can command a healthy fee for a job that doesn’t take long and offers a flexible schedule. Start small by offering your to burn down the neighbors tool shed – you know he’s not current on those riding lawn mower payments!

Piggy Bank Mosaic Artist
Now is the time to get into the mosaic business. With more people breaking into their piggy banks, ceramic shards are everywhere and free for the taking. Because this is technically recycling, you may be able to get your hands on some government grants. And remember, soup bowls will be in demand.

Hummer Converter
Construction work may be hard to come by, but clever carpenters can make big bucks converting gas-guzzling Hummers into livable residences. Roomier than a refrigerator box and cheaper to heat than a trailer, converted Hummers are the perfect solution for those who once lived beyond their means.

Husband to Madonna
With Guy Ritchie out of the picture, this field is wide open. However, be warned that Madonna’s lack of preference for gender will create fierce competition for this position. If Madonna’s taken, try for Cloris Leachman. (Some dancing ability may be required.) Either way, make sure to renew your subscription to AARP magazine and clip your Poligrip coupons first.

Professional Vetter
After the mayhem over McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate, politicians everywhere are taking more interest in the backgrounds of those they associate with. Work is everywhere. All you have to do is uncover dirty little secrets. Somewhere there’s a PTA board member who hates arts and crafts, a Toyota salesman driving a Prius, and guy dating Jennifer Aniston, but pining for Brad Pitt.

The Association for American Opportunists encourages job seekers to remember that old rules do not apply. Suits and ties say ‘I’m a liar who’ll steal your money and sabotage your economy’. Now is the time to dumb down your knowledge of the English language and get a new tattoo. Carrying a 6-pack can’t hurt either. If you’re lucky and work hard, you may just get one of those high falutin’ plumber jobs one day.

BOSTON, MA — Harvard Business School (motto: “We should have flunked Bush, OK?”) is the latest organization to jump on the “Joe the Plumber” bandwagon by offering its first Masters of Business Administration degree in plumbing. “We never realized plumbers made that kind of money,” said Dean of New Degree Programs Biff “Skippy” Wellington V. “And with a Harvard MBA, they’ll be able to command four times as much.”

“Joe the Plumber” is Samuel Wurzelbacher, the Ohio plumbing company employee made famous by John McCain for asking Barack Obama about what his taxes would be if he had a plumbing company making more than $250,000 a year. Wurzelbacher does not have a degree of any kind in plumbing, nor even a license. That will change next spring when he receives an honorary Plumbing MBA after giving the commencement speech at the Harvard Business School graduation ceremony. “We’re also making him the first member of the plumbing fraternity,” said Biff. “Alpha Beta Krappa.”

To receive a Harvard MBA in Plumbing, students must complete a standard two-year program. The first year will focus on a Required Curriculum including courses in Commode Management, Water Supply & Demand and Rear Cleavage Control. The second year focuses on an Elective Curriculum including courses in Raising Equity While Lowering Water Pressure, The Third World – A Plumbers’ Heaven and How To Become Flush With Capital. Areas of specialization include Mansions, Gold Fixtures and Bidets.

Wellington says applications for a Harvard Plumbing MBA are pouring in and only the top ten percent will be accepted. “It’s a level playing field since none of the applicants have parents who went to school here.” Students interested in carpentry, drywall or electricity are out of luck since Harvard has no plans to offer MBAs in those disciplines. “We’re praying McCain’s next find is Joe the Bailout Funds Manager,” said Wellington.

CHICAGO, IL — In an attempt to gain public sympathy, generate enthusiasm and possibly get a lucrative book deal out of their $700 billion financial rescue plan, Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke will appear on “Oprah” as part of her next “Wildest Dreams” show.

With the studio audience filled with unsuspecting small bank owners and second-tier financial institution CEOs thinking they’re there to see Oprah interview Michael Douglas about the fun he had filming “Wall Street,” Paulson and Bernanke will suddenly appear with bags full of cash as Winfrey runs through the crowd yelling “You get a bailout! You get a bailout! Everybody gets a bailout!”

After the excitement dies down, Paulson and Bernanke will unveil their new children’s novel, “Ben and Hank Glue Their Piggy Bank Back Together,” in hopes that Oprah will select it for her book club so that sales will skyrocket and bail them out of their own personal financial holes.

NEW YORK, NY – U.S. News & World Report (motto: “Longest Name Of The Leading News Magazines”) has followed up its popular annual U.S. News America’s Best Colleges issue with a controversial report that should nonetheless attract many new readers to the news weekly. U.S. News America’s Best Degree Mills ranks the top 100 places in the U.S. to purchase a bachelor’s, master’s or doctorate degree in any discipline. “Most of these diploma factories will sell you a cheap-looking mass-produced fake sheepskin for under a hundred bucks,” said Mel Grizflore, the U.S. News journalist who headed up the survey. “My staff spent an entire year analyzing these places of lower learning to help Americans make an educated decision when lying about their education.”

At the top of the U.S. News America’s Best Degree Mills list is Hardvard University, the ironically-self-proclaimed “Yale of Unaccredited Colleges.” Based in a storefront near the actual Harvard University in Massachusetts, Hardvard offers high-quality counterfeit diplomas in all subjects, online fake records and reunions every five years based on your purchase date – all for $5,000. “For another $1,000, they’ll provide school newspaper clippings of your feats on the football team, a letter sweater, fraternity pins and a picture of you receiving an award from a dean,” said Grizflore. “It’s actually a Photoshopped image of you and James Dean in a beard, which makes it legal.”

Students on a tighter budget can purchase a degree from Florida A&B, a non-accredited fine arts school and bait shop near Miami. For about $500, Florida A&B provides a bachelor’s degree in fine arts, a picture of you in the school production of “Hamlet” and a certificate verifying that you paid off your student loan. “Florida A&B is the party school of degree mills,” said Grizflore. “Every degree is delivered with a free six-pack and a photo of you passed out on a dorm room floor.”

Regular subscribers of U.S. News & World Report are aghast at the new report, but that doesn’t faze Griflore or his editor, Margaret Ashbirch. “It’s no secret the magazine industry is hurting,” said Ashbirch. “It was either this or those smelly aftershave inserts, and our readers aren’t the Old Spice types.”

Other leading national magazines are watching U.S. News & World Report closely. If the U.S. News America’s Best Degree Mills is a success, Forbes plans to do special edition in the fall called The Forbes Top 100 Companies Led By A CEO With A Fake Degree and Fortune is considering a survey of the best fake resume writers.

CINCINNATI, OH – Proving once again that a rising slick lifts all barges, Oil of Olay joined Exxon Mobil in reporting record quarterly profits. While not in Exxon’s $11.7 billion ballpark, Oil of Olay’s $73,967.52 was the company’s best quarter since the Botox shortage of 2005 and beat the previous record caused by the dermatologist strike in 1992. CEO Bob “Eppy” Durm thanked the company’s loyal customers for sticking with Oil of Olay despite recent price increases instead of switching to low-cost alternatives such as petroleum jelly, cream cheese or lard.

Experts in the facial moisturizer sector of the oil business differ in their reasons for Oil of Olay’s record performance. “It’s all about demand,” says economist Rex Barxoff. “Beijing’s air pollution is prematurely wrinkling the skin of Chinese women and millions of them are paying premium prices for skin products.” This may explain why Oil of Olay is the main sponsor of televised coverage of the Olympic women’s marathon.

“It’s the moisturizer speculation market,” argues stock analyst Zephrim Abraham. “Ever since the government required Olay to add 10 percent creamed corn in their product, speculators have been driving up the price in anticipation of a fight between the face cream and petroleum industries over corn.” Farmers tend to side with Olay in the corn battle because of heavy marketing of the product in the Corn Belt as a soothing balm for hot red necks.

Oil of Olay’s future profits may be hurt by recent accusations of war profiteering. Investigative reporters in Iraq found that female soldiers were buying Olay instead of using Army-issued MRTS – moisturizers ready to spread. While the company denies the accusations, it cannot reveal exactly which soldiers have switched to Oil of Olay because of the Pentagon’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

CLEVELAND, OH – Children attending the Block-N-Roll Hall of Fame Day Care center in Cleveland, Ohio, were asked to put down their blocks, pick up their crayons and predict what jobs they would like to have when they graduate from college in the year 2025. Kids wearing “My Daddy Belongs To The UAW” T-shirts were told to pretend their daddies will be able to afford to send them to college. Here are some of the careers Generation Z+3 see themselves in and a few explanations for their choices:

Rich guy

Rich woman

Son of rich guy (child always in “time-out”)

Married to rich guy

Married to gay rich guy

Bodyguard for rich guy (Dad’s in UAW)

Lobbyist (Dad’s in jail)

Pro basketball player (exchange student from Lithuania)

Pro bowler (not an exchange student)

Smart rich guy who bails out dumb rich guys

Dumb rich guy who gets richer after being bailed out by not-so-smart rich guy

First woman president (girl named Hillary)

First transgender president (someone named Hillary)

First goofy-looking president with hot wife (nephew of Dennis Kucinich)

First goofy-looking president with hot husband (niece of Dennis Kucinich)

Inventor of solar-powered mechanical heart (exchange student from India)

Inventor of solar-powered brewery (not an exchange student)

Day care center owner (child of day care center owner)

Inventor of cure for diaper rash (child still not potty trained)

Britney Spears (child who refuses to wear pants)