Unless you’ve been living under a rock (or spending too much time on the yacht) you know that cutting edge CEOs are blogging. And if Mark Cuban can do it, so can you. Here are a few tips for successful blogging.

• Learn the lingo
  A blog is a singular entity. Each entry you write is called a post. Nothing destroys net cred like mentioning how many blogs you’ve written on your blog this week.
• Strike the right balance
  It’s important to maintain your superiority while also coming across as one of ‘them’ – all those masses who buy the crap your company sells. Espouse the American Dream at every opportunity.
• Stick to business
  While you may have gotten the idea that all blogs feature snapshopts of babies and tales of woe at the supermarket, remember that no one’s sympathetic when your Rolls is in the shop or the jet was grounded for weather.
• Know that you’re not cool
  No matter how many times you heard your kid, or grandkid, or the Joe Bros say it, you can’t pull it off. K Beeyatch? Stay away from teen speak. Just saying.
• Never talk money
  Your own that is – no matter how stoked you are for tat $10 million bonus, do NOT share your enthusiasm with your readers. Complaining about your tax bracket, ivy league tuition payments, and upkeep on the Hamptons home is also a bad idea.

Most important, give of yourself when you blog. Take the time to sit down and write something of value. It’s not like you’re busy doing anything else.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – The group Daft and Unusual Monikers for Babies (DUMB), an organization of Harvard MBA recipients dedicated to propagating their species, has completed a six-month study on the effect of a baby’s name on his or her future success in the business world. Names of the children and grandchildren of Harvard MBA recipients and anyone whose unusual name is followed by “III” or “IV” were eliminated from consideration. After taking into consideration the current economic situation, DUMB released this list of names to avoid if you want your child to grow up to become a CEO, billionaire or defense contractor:

Freddie (also Frederick and Freda)

Mac (also Mackenzie and MacDonald)

Fannie (also Fantasia, Fandango and Fang)

Mae (also May, Maynard and Mae B.)

Ethel

Diesel

Sal (only if last name is Minella)

Tank

Crash (even if he’s clumsy)

Star (only if last name is Buck)

China (especially if baby has red hair)

Bear (unless it’s short for Barack)

G.M. (no matter what the letters stand for)

S.U.V. (see G.M.)

N.R.G. (you get the idea)

Yale (also Cornell, Brownie and Penny)

Britney

Often times, colleagues are too busy doing their jobs to recognize just how important you are. They fail to get your input on the latest big project or leave you out of a luncheon with your company’s biggest client.

Not only is this frustrating, it’s an attack on your ego and should be taken personally.

Here are ten quick ways to exert your power within your office and gain the respect you deserve from colleagues: Continue reading »

L’Oreal is one of the top cosmetics companies in the world. The French company owns a wide range of brands — Shue Uemura, Maybelline, Lancome, Kiehl’s and Garnier. L’Oreal is a big player in the cosmetics industry so it goes without saying anything it does will be closely scrutinized. And, let’s face it, in a business as shallow as beauty, you’d think it will be easy to avoid certain pitfalls. Unfortunately, the guys at L’Oreal are too engrossed on what they consider as “beauty” that they don’t even realize these pitfalls even if it’s already staring them in the face.

Just recently, L’Oreal was found guilty of racial discrimination by the French Supreme Court. The conviction stems from the company’s policy that Garnier sales staff should be “bleu, blanc, rouge” — the colors of the French flag but also the company’s code for white French people. What were they thinking? That people won’t likely buy lipstick from a person who’s not white? It’s just stupid beyond words. How can they even think their bottomline can be affected by the ethnicity of the sale staff. I want to buy hairgel, I won’t care if the salesperson’s from Mars, okay, I probably would, but only in so much as I’d want to strike up a conversation with a person from another planet.

In this day and age, it’s quite shocking that a company as progressive as L’Oreal would still propagate discrimination. It just reeks of bad taste offensiveness. I mean, the French has been described as rude and aloof but, I don’t believe they’re racist. L’Oreal is giving the French people a bad reputation.

Come on, L’Oreal guys! I think you know that beauty is not just skin deep. Merde!

From thousands of free pizzas to Lemon Cola baptisms, the world is truly an interesting yet weird place to live in. First on the block, In Oslo Norway, baptisms were turned odd when the city’s water supply pipes froze and the priests at a baptismal ceremony were forced to use Lemon Cola as their symbol for holy Water. According to the faith, any liquid can be used for baptism in the absence of H2O to serve as the symbolic water which was used to baptize Christ.
Continue reading »

CareerCast.com, a new job site, evaluated 200 professions to determine the best and worst jobs in America based on five criteria: environment, income, employment outlook, physical demands and stress. Career.com did not answer calls to find out why it didn’t also evaluate more important criteria such as the size of front steps for smokers, hours before late-arrivals are towed from handicapped parking spots, responsiveness of elevator buttons to frantic pushing by people late for meetings and distance to the nearest Starbucks.

According to the study, the ratings add up to mathematician being the best job in America, followed by actuary (a mathematician with a B average), statistician (mathematician in Vegas), biologist (mathematician who took biology to meet girls) and software engineer (rich mathematician). At the other end of the job scale, the worst job in America is lumberjack (apparently flannel shirts do not provide good protection from falling redwoods), followed by dairy farmer (milking cramps), taxi driver (middle finger cramps), seaman (too much seasickness) and EMT (too much see sickness).

Of course, the average American has no chance of getting a job as a mathematician, either because he doesn’t like math or he’s a she. And the average American would never work as a lumberjack, especially after seeing any of the 30-odd sequels to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. What the average American is qualified for is a mediocre job. So, straight from the middle of the Best and Worst Jobs in America listing, here are the 10 Most Mediocre Jobs In America:

Typist: You know you’re mediocre when you know what a “carriage return” is.

Pharmacist: The only drug pushers who can’t accept payment in sex.

Piano tuner: No matter how hard you try, you can’t fix bad playing.

Bookbinder: People who think “Kindle” is a four-letter word.

Teacher’s Aide: Cafeteria worker without the hairnet allowance.

Forklift operator: A Top 10 job until they outlawed impaling.

Correction officer: It’s nothing like those “Women in Chains” movies.

Meter reader: The high point of your day is beating the dog to the gate.

Chauffeur: Cab driver without the joy of swearing.

Dishwasher: No chance to spit in someone’s food. 

The position of “Car Czar” will be available soon and the list of applicants is filling up fast. Do you think you have what it takes to do the job? Here’s a list of some of the questions on the application form:

Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Ferrari Club of America?

Have you ever keyed a Prius? Include photo of yourself standing next to it smiling.

Fill in the blank: “See the USA in your ___.”

Name the model of car driven in “Starsky and Hutch,” “The Dukes of Hazard” and “Knight Rider.”

Describe the last time you changed the oil in you car. Bonus points if it was within the last 20 years.

Without the help of Google Maps, locate Detroit on a globe.

Name three things you can do in the back seat of an American car that you can’t do in a foreign car. Bonus points for photos.

What is the most number of miles you’re driven with the needled on E? Provide towing and repair bills to substantiate.

Can you sit through a presentation by the CEO of General Motors without saying, “Heh-heh, he said Hummer”?

Give as many reasons as you can why Ralph Nader should be sent to Gitmo. Use back of form if necessary.

List three things you will throw in at no extra charge to get this job.

Sing “Hot Rod Lincoln” without making any mistakes. Bonus points for realistic car sound effects.

Name as many pro sports teams as you can whose mascots are also American car models.

Tell three jokes with the word “Isuzu” in the punch line.

Explain in your best car dealer voice why “I must be CRAZY to apply for this job!”

With NBC’s announcement that Jay Leno will host a five-nights-a-week talk show in prime time once he steps down to be replaced by Conan O’Brien in 2009, economists are predicting that talk shows will be the next growth industry. “Talk shows are the least expensive programs for a network to produce,” said Milt E. Uncal, industry analyst. “Except for anything hosted by Rosie O’Donnell.”

“Any monkey with a bad haircut can host a talk show,” said David Letterman. “I’ve proven that.” Letterman was speaking at a press conference announcing that CBS is expanding his duties to include hosting a daily prime time business news and comedy show called “Will It Float A Loan?” “Dave is always ahead of business trends,” said CBS spokesperson Phil O’Farnsworth. “A year ago he did the “Top Ten Signs GM Isn’t Worth A Buck” and “Top Ten Worst Excuses For Giving Yourself A $50 Million Bonus.”

The surge in talk show opportunities does not necessarily mean that competition will lead to quality. ABC is dangling the hour after “Desperate Housewives” to anyone who used to be on “Saturday Night Live,” including the black, Hispanic and female performers no one remembers. “I’m thinking “Show In Someone’s Basement,”” said Allen Steves, a young mailroom clerk recently promoted to head of development at ABC who just started watching SNL this season.

Soap operas are also in danger of being priced out of the market by cheap daytime talk shows. Barbara Walters is considering breaking up “The View” into five separate shows called “The White View,” “The Black View,” “The Gay View,” “The Washed-Up Comedian’s View” and “The Sarah Palin Show.” Regis Philbin, already owning the record ofr the most hours on television, is working with the producers of “Dancing With The Stars” to find washed-up stars he can co-host with. Shows being considered are “Live With Regis & Jennie Garth,” “Live With Regis & Some Volleyball Player” and “Barely Live With Regis & Cloris Leachman.”

Are you a plumber upset by the sudden competition for all those lucrative pipe snakings? Maybe you’ve lost your seven-figure salary due to some ‘off balance sheet’ accounting. While things may look bleak, there are plenty of jobs to be had by the industrious. According to the Association for American Opportunists, here are five high paying jobs you can get now.

Arsonist
While torching soon-to-be foreclosed homes and cars may seem like a no-brainer, many people just don’t have the stomach for it. That’s where you come in. As a professional arsonist you can command a healthy fee for a job that doesn’t take long and offers a flexible schedule. Start small by offering your to burn down the neighbors tool shed – you know he’s not current on those riding lawn mower payments!

Piggy Bank Mosaic Artist
Now is the time to get into the mosaic business. With more people breaking into their piggy banks, ceramic shards are everywhere and free for the taking. Because this is technically recycling, you may be able to get your hands on some government grants. And remember, soup bowls will be in demand.

Hummer Converter
Construction work may be hard to come by, but clever carpenters can make big bucks converting gas-guzzling Hummers into livable residences. Roomier than a refrigerator box and cheaper to heat than a trailer, converted Hummers are the perfect solution for those who once lived beyond their means.

Husband to Madonna
With Guy Ritchie out of the picture, this field is wide open. However, be warned that Madonna’s lack of preference for gender will create fierce competition for this position. If Madonna’s taken, try for Cloris Leachman. (Some dancing ability may be required.) Either way, make sure to renew your subscription to AARP magazine and clip your Poligrip coupons first.

Professional Vetter
After the mayhem over McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin as his running mate, politicians everywhere are taking more interest in the backgrounds of those they associate with. Work is everywhere. All you have to do is uncover dirty little secrets. Somewhere there’s a PTA board member who hates arts and crafts, a Toyota salesman driving a Prius, and guy dating Jennifer Aniston, but pining for Brad Pitt.

The Association for American Opportunists encourages job seekers to remember that old rules do not apply. Suits and ties say ‘I’m a liar who’ll steal your money and sabotage your economy’. Now is the time to dumb down your knowledge of the English language and get a new tattoo. Carrying a 6-pack can’t hurt either. If you’re lucky and work hard, you may just get one of those high falutin’ plumber jobs one day.

BOSTON, MA — Harvard Business School (motto: “We should have flunked Bush, OK?”) is the latest organization to jump on the “Joe the Plumber” bandwagon by offering its first Masters of Business Administration degree in plumbing. “We never realized plumbers made that kind of money,” said Dean of New Degree Programs Biff “Skippy” Wellington V. “And with a Harvard MBA, they’ll be able to command four times as much.”

“Joe the Plumber” is Samuel Wurzelbacher, the Ohio plumbing company employee made famous by John McCain for asking Barack Obama about what his taxes would be if he had a plumbing company making more than $250,000 a year. Wurzelbacher does not have a degree of any kind in plumbing, nor even a license. That will change next spring when he receives an honorary Plumbing MBA after giving the commencement speech at the Harvard Business School graduation ceremony. “We’re also making him the first member of the plumbing fraternity,” said Biff. “Alpha Beta Krappa.”

To receive a Harvard MBA in Plumbing, students must complete a standard two-year program. The first year will focus on a Required Curriculum including courses in Commode Management, Water Supply & Demand and Rear Cleavage Control. The second year focuses on an Elective Curriculum including courses in Raising Equity While Lowering Water Pressure, The Third World – A Plumbers’ Heaven and How To Become Flush With Capital. Areas of specialization include Mansions, Gold Fixtures and Bidets.

Wellington says applications for a Harvard Plumbing MBA are pouring in and only the top ten percent will be accepted. “It’s a level playing field since none of the applicants have parents who went to school here.” Students interested in carpentry, drywall or electricity are out of luck since Harvard has no plans to offer MBAs in those disciplines. “We’re praying McCain’s next find is Joe the Bailout Funds Manager,” said Wellington.