WASHINGTON – In what appears to be yet another directional shift in the planned spending of the 700 billion dollar bailout, Ben Bernanke and Henry Paulson announced today that it is their intention to purchase the entire government and administration copies of the semi-popular PC game “SimCity”.

“After playing the game for the past twelve hours, we have concluded that there is no better way to spend the bailout” said Bernanke during a congressional hearing on Friday. “The whole situation is pretty much fucked. At least if we get SimCity out to our Senators, Governors, Administration and pretty much everyone else, we won’t fuck up as much next time” Bernanke added.

Representatives from all facets of government were immediately critical of the plan but were quickly assured by Paulson of the merits of the SimCity Plan. “The game teaches you real life shit. Like where to build your houses and how to handle disasters and stuff” he said with supreme confidence. “Or like when you call the army to help you because the alien-robot is blowing up your industrial zones” added Bernanke before turning to Paulson and giving him a high-five.

The entire hearing lasted only several hours with most of Congress admitting that they had absolutely no idea how to handle most of the situations SimCity puts its players in. Congress quickly conceded that SimCity could in fact teach them how to govern the United States with the competence of middle-school students.

As the hearing drew to a close Bernanke launched in a theatrical explanation as to why SimCity is “So wicked awesome” explaining that “You get to build stuff all over and there’s like Power Plants and Schools and stuff but you gotta’ keep the people happy.”

Bernanke’s enthusiasm was met by Paulson, who rounded out the hearing by giving a heartfelt speech detailing the many merits of how SimCity teaches government officials about real life situations like running a city and assuring congress that if they allowed him to buy it he would do chores around the country to pay them back.

Paulson and Bernanke both made it a point to comment that while the game was fun and educational, the fictional advisors that you encounter in the game who give you sound financial, logistics and social advice in relation to your city are, “Total D-Bags” and “We ignore them and just do whatever the fuck we want, like spending all of the city’s money on a new Mayor’s House.”

With Congress onboard it appears that this new direction for the bailout will certainly be gaining speed in the next week and we could see eager politicians playing SimCity as soon as next month.

WASHINGTON- Lifetime Network is once again gunning for the head of beloved matriarch and divine goddess of the western hemisphere, Oprah. The depressing and low-budget television network has launched a large scale war against Oprah insisting that she has monopolized the industry of brainwashing lonely, depressed, middle-aged women.

The industry has been ravaged by prolonged conflict between Oprah, Lifetime and the producers of Brokeback Mountain all of whom are vying for a piece of this impressionable cake.

“It’s a niche market really.” said television analyst Rupert Merblock, “A given middle-aged woman can only consume about 8 hours of television a day.”

It is believed that the conflict brewing between Lifetime and Oprah is the result of sectarian differences between separate factions of women who prefer to watch different types of crappy day-time television. Each group is so devoted to their respective brand of television that it has sparked violent clashes between them.

The market for soulless, depressed women who’s lives have been consumed by a repetitive cycle of neglect, delusion and emotional void is a well researched one. At this point all programming directed at this audience can be categorized into the following well-defined spectrums.

Love: Nothing tugs on the heartstrings of a lonely, middle-aged woman like a love story. In fact, the only thing that gets a lonely woman going more than your traditional love story is an awkward nonconformist love story. Gay couples, people falling in love with ghosts and animals, etc… are all fantastic examples of the nonconformist love story.

Someone Got Raped: Regardless of how many times a middle-aged woman hears a rape story, it never gets old. Defying all scientific evidence that this kind of repetition would wear out its welcome, woman seem to never get tired of seeing and hearing about how each other got raped. The ratings are even higher on shows where the rape is shown via graphic reenactment.

Overcoming Adversity: Despite having little to no adversity in their own life and living a content life doing absolutely nothing, middle-aged women love to hear about how other people are doing the complete opposite. Babies born with shark tails and people in wheel-chairs are just a few examples of people overcoming adversity that these women will never face. It’s still a mystery why this kind of programming is so loved by void, empty, women all across America.

The Blame Game: Going hand in hand with Overcoming Adversity, the Blame Game is a trademark of the middle-aged woman’s daily life. This kind of programming takes a social problem, finds an unreasonable scapegoat and blames it for several hours. By feigning outrage and possibly cheering while stepping up and down on their Wii Fit, middle-aged women can bolster their feeling of inclusion and prove their loyalty to Oprah by hating the things she hates.

While many psychologists insist that the list of things that could suck a woman’s mind in are vast and endless, this list is the most common forms of programming currently being fought over.

As of late August the confrontation between Lifetime and Oprah had come to a boiling point with Oprah’s national army, “The Oprahnites” sieging several broadcast towers owned by the Lifetime networking and taking several of Lifetime Network CEO’s hostage so that they could express their feelings to Oprah on her daily show.

The women involved in the sectarian assault on Lifetime’s staff would later be caught in a Starbucks where they were all reading romance novels and crying on each other’s shoulders.

Authorities have neglected to give an official statement on the war but have said that they believe the majority of this is “Just a bunch of chicks PMS’ing.”

INFOMERCIAL – Already nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, the “Africa Strategy” is being heralded as one of the greatest concepts for curbing national inflation, expenses and food prices ever conceived in history.

The plan was laid out early last week by reknowned scientist, Dr. Kabutu Alfonzo, already a recognized expert in the field of hungry peoples. He has been credited with the invention of the “Five Dollar Footlong” and the “Dollar Menu”.

“The idea came to me as I was studying starving children in Africa. It’s amazing how these children can sort of survive on almost no food.” explained Alfonzo. “These people in Africa, they are skinnier than any super-model or celebrity in the United States, and they spend almost nothing on food. A mere 10 cents can feed them for a week.”

Despite this incredible evidence, some people remain skeptical. The most outspoken person against this plan is the lead singer of the rock band U2, Bono. Bono claims that the African people are not happy with their incredibly skinny bodies and would much rather eat every day and weigh more.

Bono also suggested that the concept of “Not Eating” for long periods of time may have negative health effects on human beings.

Dr. Alfonzo quickly refuted Bono’s claims in saying, “It’s ridiculous to think that these people are not happy. They wear even less clothing than Americans at all times just to show off their incredible figures. Bono is clearly backwards in his logic, in the United States people die from eating too much, not too little.”

Alfonzo’s statements were largely backed by people with science degrees who supported his findings and released the following statement after conducting their own independent study:

“After extensive testing and several viewings of the movies Blood Diamond and Tears of the Sun, it is our conclusion that starving in Africa is a safe and smart method to obtain weight loss and inflation curbs. The long term effects of starvation include, looking sexier, spending less on food, and possibly shooting the hell out of African rebels in some totally righteous action sequences like Bruce Willis.”

After the release of the Scientific Community’s findings the President and his top advisors also gave their support to this new motion and voiced their agreement in saying, “We have also viewed Tears of the Sun and the provided evidence and agree that Bruce Willis is a badass.”

Congress is expected to follow trend and vote largely in favor of this initiative taking immediate effect. The most recent polling suggests that 70% of Congress currently feels that Bruce Willis is a badass and the other 30% feel that Blood Diamond “totally sucked”.

“Simply applying this plan is not enough.” warned Dr. Alfonzo, “We need to instill these lessons in our children. We need to teach them that eating often and weighing over a certain amount is not okay in our society. They need to fear their self-image like we fear terrorist attacks. They’re equally dangerous.”

Dr. Alfonzo was also quick to point out that in other countries, such as France, the food portions are vastly smaller than in the states. “They eat just as often we do, but they eat a lot less. Usually half the amount of food that we do. It’s a step in the right direction.” Alfonzo insisted that the French eat less than us because they are assumably all homosexual and against freedom.

“Africa and France have always been in league against us.” he explained. “They’ve known that starvation and eating less can make you look fantastic. The gay community is years ahead of us in terms of sexy and anorexic sciences. I would go so far as to say that Africans and Gay Frenchmen are 90% of the economic hardship currently crippling our country.”

The United States as a whole largely agrees with this sentiment. In a poll of polls it was found that 99% of Americans would like to believe that “None of this is our fault.” and only 1% felt like it was our fault, but we should still blame everyone else.

Thus it appears that the entire country is onboard for the United State’s most recent Military Campaign known as the “Franco-Homo-Africano War to Fix Our Economy And Global Warming”. The support is tremendous and the secrets of the third world countries shall soon be ours.

HOLLYWOOD – With the latest blockbuster summer comedy, “Tropic Thunder” having released just last night, Hollywood is poised to make some big bucks this weekend. In a summer of record sales and back to back releases it has all of the fixings to reel in some winning profits.

Tropic Thunder pushes the envelope, as it satirizes Hollywood and a plethora of a special interest groups for the sake of humor and entertainment. Yet one group is taking this beyond the simple, childish nature of the film and is bringing it to a far more retarded level.

“I think the film just degrades the retarded community. It offends them and robs them of everything that makes them so retarded. All so that some people can get a few cheap laughs.” says retarded spokesman Timothy Shriver.

As the movie prepares for its debut weekend, many groups are vocalizing themselves in the form of active protests and boycotts against the movie. They are asking for the support of everyone nation-wide in boycotting the movie and making themselves heard.

“If one retard can throw a tantrum and get a Stretch-Armstrong toy. Then in theory, a million retards throwing tantrums can get a movie boycotted.” Shriver explained.

As logical and plausible as this theory is on paper, early ticket sales for Tropic Thunder are already strong which bodes ill for the offended retards. It appears that despite their tantrums the retards are simply not amusing enough to pull people away from the silver screen.

As local stoner Jim Sanders explained, “I’ve seen retards man, I’ve seen plenty of retards, but I’ve never seen a bunch of retards in the jungle. They’re going to be fighting the Japanese and Koreans and Ninjas all retarded-like.”

It’s hard to argue with such inpenetrable points. With retards like Ben Stiller and Jack Black on the screen, how could any average, mortal retard hope to compare?

“Well, we’re planning on rolling out our elite troops for this, you see. We have what is known as a Midget-Freaktard, which is a composite creature genetically altered to be a midget, freak and retard all at once. It’s essentially Tom Cruise on crack. It’s about five times more fixating and amusing than your average Ben Stiller retard.” Shriver explained.

With the battlefield laid and the ranks drawn, it is a mere waiting game now to see which faction will rise up from the Down Syndrome Ashes of America and triumph in the field of glorified stupidity. With all eyes transfixed upon these two leviathan forces, there truly is nothing more retarded than retards offended by a retarded movie.

AMATEUR PORN STUDIO - In light of a more upset and depressed American attitude, famous amateur pornography series “Girls Gone Wild” has set their sights on a new market. The announcement came late thursday that their new series would be titled “Parents Gone Wild” and feature real college girls being mercilessly beaten by their parents after their appearance in “Girls Gone Wild”.

“We’ve seen a lot of drunk college girls get naked and go crazy.” says lead producer, Eric Chokolowitz. “What we’ve never seen is a lot of drunk college girls get naked and go crazy then go home and get savagely beaten then disowned. It’s new frontier for us.”

Each video runs about two hours and features everything from parents screaming and arguing with their daughters to awkward conversations at family get-togethers. All of the filming is done in real time and none of the scenes have been edited.

“People want to see these parents baring it all as they punish their whore daughters. One of the girl’s fathers even took off his belt and then things started to get really nuts. You wouldn’t even believe what her mother did next.” says Chokolowitz.

True to statement, as we previewed one of the early cuts of the first Parents Gone Wild video, we were amazed  to see real college girls being given time-outs and conversational scoldings from their parents. Then things got really crazy when they were sent to their rooms to think about their shenanigans.

Despite having not yet released the first video of the series, Chokolowitz and his team are already filming for the sequel “Parents Gone Wild: Barely Legal”.

“What we discovered while filming for the first video was that arguements and punishment was great. Yet we wanted to see a more hardcore aspect of the parental take on these college girls.” explained Chokolowitz on the set of his next film.

The sequel promises to take viewers behind the scenes to the most brutal suburban homes where enraged, psychopathic fathers take away their daughters cellphones and strip their allowances down to a meager $500 dollars a week. Brutal.

As Chokolowitz sees it, “This is about as intense as it gets, the only thing I can think that would be better, that would sell better, would be is if we could find some parents willing to actually kill their rambunctious teens and bury them in a shallow grave. I’d love to film that.”

Both films are due out in early 2009.

SUBURBIA – In a desperate attempt to figure out why the United States economy is in such rough shape, economists and analysts have turned to an unlikely source, movies. Long have movies been the boon of the lazy American lifestyle, yet it was assumed that nothing of value could be gained from them. Instead, qualified and important people were under the impression that movies were merely a way to distract people from their problems. All bets are off.

In a news conference today it was explained that Scientists recently revealed that Oil is produced from “Dinosaurs”. Dead ones. This news sent a shockwave through the highest tiers of government and shook the foundation by which our countries greatest movers and thinkers function.

“Honestly, I had no idea! I always thought Dinosaurs were something out of Harry Potter!” says Senior Commodity Analyst, Richard Brickenstone.

After this alarming press conference, all the attending experts were invited back to the private home of alleged Dinosaur Expert, Steven Spielberg for a viewing of the documentary “Jurassic Park”. The documentary enlightened American scientists and experts to a world previously unimagined.

“We’ve been fighting the A-rabs and all along it’s been giant lizards holding out on us!” explained tactics manager Wesley McRather.

By Mid-Thursday the President had attempted to contact the Dinosaur Emperor who is presumed to be both Muslim, and a threat to the American way of life, to request that more of his people die so that they may become additional oil for the United States. Despite these attempts, the Dinosaur Emperor has not responded.

“The Dinosaurs have refused our offer for diplomacy. Based on our intelligence gathered from Dinosaur experts and the Jurassic Park field documentary trilogy, we can assume that the Dinosaur threat is very real. We have confirmed that it is within their power to topple cars, eat human beings and possibly spit acid.” said Whitehouse spokesman Randy Ubacker in a statement issued late Thursday.

This enthusiastic opposition to the Dinosaur way of life was not shared by the U.N who questioned the United States’ sources on this matter. The President quickly assured them that while most of the countries present would not receive the Jurassic Park documentaries in their theaters for another 10 years, all of the information was valid.

The President also expressed disdain that the Dinosaur Emperor himself did not attend the U.N meeting in person. When he made this disappointment apparent, the chief diplomatic officer from France spoke up as saying, “You do realize that there are no more Dinosaurs, yes?”

The President quickly called him a liar and explained that his country would be the first destroyed when the Dinosaurs use their nuclear programs to generate prehistoric warheads.

In a final statement issued shortly after the U.N meeting Wesley McRather explained: “We’re entirely confident that the Dinosaurs are now the greatest threat to the United States. We will send every man, woman and child at them until they are defeated. It is presumed that they can destroy houses also! Which could very well explain the housing crisis in the U.S. Our experts are currently referencing this theory with the movie “The Land Before Time” and will issue a report soon.”

CALIFORNIA – With the Dow tumbling into a technical Bear market today there’s no doubt that Americans are feeling the strain of their wallets, but the financial woes are doing more than just pinching our pennies, they’re changing our society too. Already the way we speak, act and interpret situations has come under the sway of our rapidly declining economy and nowhere is this more evident than in the world of dating.

Sites such as EHarmony and Match.com are already seeing the direct impact of this phenomenon. Profiles with names such as “HighMileageClub” and “SexNEthanol500″ are already sprouting up all over the lonely singles with internet industry. Yet most analysts say this is only the tip of the iceberg.

Attempting to profit from what is currently speculated as the “next big thing” Calvin Klein has already begun production on a new men’s cologne named “The Dirty Speculator.” Which has the fragrant aroma of raw gasoline, cocaine laden dollar bills and lies.

“We wanted to capture the scent and feel of the Market Speculator. We wanted to really take you into his office, show you where he drives up oil prices by lying and saying complete bullshit!. It’s sexy.” said Calvin Klein spokeswoman Natalie Swindleberger.

Calvin Klein may have tapped into just the right Market with this new concept for the American dating scene. A recent survey conducted by People With Degrees shows that when asked what they look for in a man, an alarming 73% of women said that a man who smells of gasoline or a gas-station was a major turnon. In addition, a rising 61% of women say that a man with qualities such as being “light, sweet and crude” are all highly desired. Yet perhaps the most disturbing revelation was that most women simply said that they were looking for a “well oiled” or “oily” man these days.

These numbers however were not reflected when People With Degrees questioned men. The vast majority of men, continued to respond as they historically had, saying that an ideal mate would be described as: “cheap”, “easy”, and “with a lot of tread on the tires.”

Even the adult entertainment industry is seeing these strange new shenanigans. One phone-sex operator reported getting at least fifty customers a day requesting that she “talk financial” to them. We asked if we could listen in on one of their conversations and under terms of anonymity we were shocked at what we heard. Continue reading »

NEW YORK – In this seemingly logical age of science and technology, it would come as a shock to most to find that recently “Magic” has been inducted into the Stock Market as a commodity.

The decision was made earlier this week with one anonymous representative saying: “People are depressed and confused, they need something to believe in and put their money in. We felt that Magic had a lot of potential on the market.”

They could not have been more right! Scientists recently introduced “Magic” into the Periodic Table and in a press release had this to say: “The Element of Magic while rare, has a lot to offer people who want to believe it exists. Everything from a better economy to shooting lightning from your hands. You know, pretty much whatever you want.”

The response to this new commodity has been overwhelming, the price exploded during early trading and settled around $280 per share by closing. While the price of oil fell to nearly 0.30 cents per barrel with many investors speculating that “Magic” will soon fuel our vehicles much in the same way it currently fuels our imaginations.

Currently the majority of Magic is being produced in Disney land and J.K Rowling’s bank account, however many other companies are looking to compete in the emerging industry of Magic Production. Microsoft is already planning a late 2008 opening for their own Magic Refinery which will draw its product directly from the gaping, black, void of evil inside the hearts of its employees. Insiders have already leaked that Microsoft is planning a “Service Pack 1″ for their refinery in the first quarter of 09′.

We’ll continue to monitor this developing story in the days and weeks to come and are eager to see just how Magic fairs against “Hope” and “Dreams” when they open for trading next month.

WASHINGTON – With the dollar in what appears to be a perpetual decline, many states are turning to their own means to keep their financial infrastructure afloat. Like sweet, sweet, cocaine nostalgia, the days of independent states and drunken militias come rolling back as each state begins printing their own personal currency to help seperate themselves from the “sinking ship” that is the U.S economy.

The trend began in Alabama where one small town began buying in selling using, “Alabambucks.” The mishapen square tender depict a man in a plaid jumpsuit shooting a red, white and blue, automatic rifle into what appears to be an ocean of deer. The notes were crudely drawn by the daughter of a local resident and his sister/wife, using the Crayola “64 Crayon Pack”. The one with the sharpener built into the box.

It didn’t take long for the idea to catch on. Within only a few weeks of the introduction of the “Alabambuck” into the Alabamanese public the trend was already sparking new and creative ideas among the populations of Florida and Texas.

After witnessing the economic security and public response to the Alabambuck, the Florida government quickly produced their own state currency known as the “Flamingo-Bill.” The note features palm trees, flamingos and a sunset being ravaged by a Hurricane.

The Flamingo-Bill was taken exceptionally well by Senior Citizens because of its unique ability to also be used to pay “Charon the Ferryman” to row them across the River Stix after they die in their nursing homes.

“I just see it as a great compromise to gold coins. This way when I’m done with my rounds I can kick it down to Miami and party without worrying about my money being accepted.” said Charon when asked about the Flamingo-Bills.

Andrew Jackheim of Palm Beach County had this to say about the Flamingo-Bill, “I’m glad someone is finally looking out for the Senior Citizens. They die all of the time and usually can’t afford to pay for it. The last thing anyone wants is more Zombies.” His wife, Mildred, agreed.

Yet it’s not all good news in the world of State Currency. Texas, in response to Florida and Alabama’s immediate success with their own projects quickly drafted their own state tender but was met with somewhat different results.

Texas named their currency “Big Ones” as it relates to the phrase “Everything Is Bigger in Texas”, yet upon printing the currency and issuing them to the public, many citizens had mixed feelings about their apperance.

The Big Ones are printed approximately twice as large as normal dollars and contain simply, a large portrait of Walker Texas Ranger, holding a shotgun in either hand and brandishing what is unmistakably, a massive erection.

“I’m both disturbed and aroused by it.” said Butch Carlson, a resident of Dallas. “It’s got all of my favorite things, strong men, shotguns and huge boners, but I don’t like how the bills are so small.”

Yes, Texas has struggled since the bills release to assure the public that the currency is in fact large enough to make all of the other states both jealous and annoyed.

Though despite their rough start, Texas recently reported the overall opinion of the Big Ones to be increasing exponentially.

Is State Currency truly the way of the future? Will we continue to see more states breaking away and printing their own money in the weeks and months to come? Yet more importantly, what kind of impact will this new fad have on the country as a whole?

The answers rest in the hands of bored legislators everywhere.

WASHINGTON – As a small percentage of informed Americans continually complain about the ups and downs of the economy and the word “recession” is thrown around more and more, people are beginning to get burnt out.

It’s been months since the first news of an economic downturn hit the headlines and even now we’re still flirting with the edge of complete, economic catastrophy. Yet as the tedious wait continues many Americans are starting to wonder just when she’s going to put out.

As one disgruntled citizen put it: “I keep hearing about this recession but I’m starting to wonder where it is. I’m a busy man and I don’t have time to keep buying energy efficient vehicles and commodity stocks if she’s not going to at least show me an economic depression.”

This opinion seems to be growing among Americans as they wait eagerly on the edge of their hybrid vehicle seats for the economy to reveal some signs of a Tightened Infrastructural Timeline Situation, or TITS. The economic struggle is just not worth getting all worked up over unless Americans know that they’re going to get to see some TITS very soon.

“I lived through the first depression and now they’re saying another one is just around the corner. Well I can’t just go and dump my savings into one of those new age fuel-saving cars unless I know I’m going to be seeing some huge TITS real soon.” said one elderly man when asked about his experience with economic downturns.

Yet, Americans are not simply sitting around and waiting for the TITS to come knocking at their door. Many of them are looking to get an Assimilated Savings Scenario or ASS, going as soon as possible. Working on getting some ASS within your own family or with others in your community can help bolster your overall savings and make you more financially secure for when the economy finally starts to show some TITS.

When asked about their own savings and how they planned to weather the economic recession one couple had this to say, “We just want to grab a hold of some firm ASS to help us get through these slow times and keep as much money as we can built up in case we suddenly see some TITS burst out of the economy.”

With so much uncertainty floating around these days and the economy playing hard to get with the American public there really is no better advice than to grab a little ASS and hold tight until we start to see some TITS.